Lucht je Hart — 727 - Off-Topic

I wish that my kind of trauma wasn't soooo fucking fetishized. I wish it wasn't consistently thrown into stories by people who wish it had happened to them because it'd validate them in the eyes of the male gaze as desirable AND it would validate that they are "really traumatized" at the same time - and I really want to emphatize with these people for their low self-esteem, but when I am then bombarded with an untagged account of grooming and sexual abuse I lose all my ability to be kind. I get flung into Hell. Everything turns bleak and it feels like I am being gutted. Some kind of emotion suffocates me. It's like I never got out. And then, on top of that, there's the faint awareness that enrages me, that the author, as well-intended as they may be, never had to suffer even a fraction of the amount I did to elicit this response from me. They're not even a fellow survivor. They're seeking empowerment through another person's anger, and ask for comfort by writing another person's traumas. I can't seem not to be affected, but I can't really accuse these people of doing anything to me either (and if I hadn't been so racked with fear and relived shock, I likely wouldn't have even thought to - it's really just my C-PTSD), in spite of that bout of murderous anger. I know this was never any of the intentions had by the creator, but childishly, I hurt anyway. No matter how it is executed (contradictorily, it's almost like realism makes it worse than if it were an offensive stereotype), it is processed in me as mockery. I am reminded of a wound so deep you can see my bones and I remember a fear of death and it's all so fucking ugly. Only writers whom I know are fellow survivors don't make me enraged. It feels like a humiliation. I can't explain why. (In this case much much worse because it was written by someone who already showed me they weren't a safe person to be around, so it feels like entitlement on their behalf - to ironically feel comfortable mistreating someone with severe sexual abuse trauma because of the vulnerability this person has, only to then turn around and write about this kind of abuse in faux sympathy (I know they themselves didn't experience this sort of trauma). This is not your fucking story to tell. Get out of my fucking trauma just because you feel it'd make you feel less unattractive. Fuck you. I know you didn't mean this kind of result but again, fuck you. Being triggered is already the fucking worst, being consumed with anger to both my rapist AND the person who reminded me of him is too fucking much)