It was a hard decision whether or not to put this up. I mean, I have no make up on, there's clearly lotion under my eyebrow that I didn't rub all the way in, and the most frightening thing: it's real. It's just my heart puking up a bunch of emotion, tears and embarrassing vulnerability.
But I felt like a hypocrite in a way. I asked myself, "Oh, so you have no qualms about slapping up a funny video where you can hide behind a script, but you can't just sit there and talk about your feelings like a real person? You can't just say 'Hey, if you're thinking of doing this, please don't, because this is how it will feel to everyone who's left over'?"
I cringed the entire time I rewatched this video. Yup. I had to edit it, I had to export it, and right now I'm uploading it and writing this description. I feel embarrassed. Like maybe this is narcissistic in its own way. What if people think I'm doing it for something as stupid as views? What if I don't come across the way I want to? What if my message is misinterpreted?
But the fact that this scares me so much means I need to put it out there. It's been a long, long, time since I've been afraid to speak up and say something. Especially because... this hits home. There's no jokes (although I do laugh in it sometimes, like we all occasionally do when we're bawling our eyes out), and I tried to keep the jump cuts to a minimum (though if I didn't cut out those long stretches of me trying not to cry, this video would be 10 minutes longer).
It's not about me, you know? I guess I finally realized it's not about me. This video is about my sister, and about everyone else who wants to commit suicide.
Did you know? Suicide is a THIRD LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH in young people. THE FRIGGING THIRD LEADING CAUSE. After car accidents and homicide, more kids fall to pills, overdose, or knives than they do to illness. More kids choose death than let death find them.
That's fucking scary.
And I'll be damned if I'm going to let something as stupid and trivial as embarrassment over tears and the inability to be vulnerable stop me from trying to help some kid out there who needs just one reason to live.
Some kid who just feels alone, lost, angry, confused and wants to escape. Some kid who feels unloved, unwanted, unheard, unseen and invisible. Some kid who thinks that no one would care if they didn't exist anymore. Some kid like my sister.
If I can help just one, then putting myself out there was worth it. So I hope you know... someone cares. Even if they don't you, they know someone just like you who made the decision to say goodbye.
And they don't want you to say goodbye too.
