Every aspect of my life seems to go wrong at the moment - that's the curse of Murphy's Law, I guess. The love of my life crushed my heart, broke it into a million pieces and the incredible pain I'm feeling right now can't be described. It's like a hundred pins are stabbing my heart, my head. I could cry an entire river and still, the sadness won't go away.
Besides that, a broken heart, I also have a great-grandmother in bad shape. Losing loads of memories and barely eating anything. I'm so scared that this year will be her last.
And then we also have this huge family crisis, an immense drama. A true tragedy that involves lies, terrible accusations, fucked-up letters, a lot of tears, a billion fights, heart-breaking screams and a family, my once so close family, that is growing apart. It's crushing me from inside out, because all of us know that this "problem" wil never go away. Ever. This will leave a big scar. And all of this only because, no, all because of the black sheep. And I hate her. I hate her with all my guts. I want to scream to her and tell her the truth, tell her how I feel and how everyone feels. How she destroyed everybody and hurt all of us. Badly.
I just feel lost right now. Emotional. Sad and angry all the time. Building walls that break down so easily, something I am definitely not used too.
People around me who don't have a clue - colleagues, classmates, acquaintances - know that there is something wrong with me. Keep telling me that I'm quiet lately, that I act differently. Some of you may say; talk about it. It will help. But the problem is that I am not allowed to speak about my family tragedy. I cannot tell anyone. They forbade me, because it is so terrible. Tell them about my great-grandmother sucks, because most of the time they don't know what to say. Speaking about my crushed heart is difficult, cause it breaks me every time.
And besides that: I don't want to see the pity-looks. That makes it even harder.
Ledecky
