We are friends for life, hold that deep inside. Let this be a drive to survive. And just stand high and tall. Make sure you give your all. And if you ever fall, know that I'm right here. We'll always be together, don't you worry. I'll always be by your side, don't you worry. The circle will never end, just know that we'll meet again. And we'll always be together, forever always. I am here. Find me in the sky. Destine with the moon and night. Your heartbeat is disguised as my lullaby. Be happy, and know I'm watching you travel far and wide. Waiting for us to meet again. We'll always be together, don't you worry. I'll always be by your side, don't you worry. The circle will never end, just know that we'll meet again. And we'll always be together, forever, always. I am here. If you need me, yeah, I'm in the wind, look for me friend, I'm in the stars. When you need me, the heaven will send, a message within, straight to your heart. We'll always be together, don't you worry. I'll always be by your side, don't you worry. Never worry 'bout a thing, no, no, no, no, no. The circle will never end, just know that we'll meet again. And we'll always be together, forever, always. I am here.
I sigh and stand up. "I better shape up," I sing further. I don't care you don't sing with me. But the song is right. Indeed, I better shape up. "'cause you need a man. Who can keep you satisfied." I knew the last rule was meant for the other singer, but, I was not expecting you'd sing further and I was right. A single tear rolls over my cheek. I can't keep you satisfied, I think, I can only screw things. "I better shape up, when I'm gonna prove. I better prove your faith is justified." I wait a few seconds and then sing the refrain again. Yes, you're the one that I want... The only one. I better shape up... I walk to the mirror in the corridor and look at it. In the mirror I see an exhausted boy. His face shows sadness. His eyes give away he's everything but happy, 'cause they're doughy and red. They look extreme tired. His arms hang weak near his body. Powerless. The red color in his cheeks is all gone. His shirt is sweaty and dirty. His neck turned all red with small bumps. His hairs lie sloppy and untended along his head. His lips are cloven and colorless. Sighing the boy in the mirror pulls his shirt off. He turns a few times to see that the shingles are scattered all over his back and breast. He closes his eyes for a while and pulls the shirt back on. I better shape up, 'cause in this state I won't reach anything. It doesn't help to tire myself. It doesn't help to starve myself. Not that I'm gonna eat or sleep now. Both I don't have sense for. I'm afraid that if I try to fall asleep, I get those nightmares again. And if not, that I fall in such a deep sleep that... No, I don't wanna miss anything. Imagine something bad would happen or something. No, I can't go to sleep. And eating... No, I refuse to eat 'till you've eaten. But I gotta do something. I don't want that if you'll come out, because one day you have to, you find me like this. Weak as hell, unable to solve something himself. I gotta do something. You need to come out. Now. Before you starve yourself. I don't care if you'd let me starve but I don't want you to starve yourself. What a boyfriend am I if I let you weaken yourself inside there. I want to do something but I don't know what. You locked yourself. There's no way to get in. I can give you food but you refuse to eat it. I can't force you to do anything. I also don't want to force you to do something, but... Talking doesn't help, and I understand that. Who would listen to a dick like me? Maybe I could break the door open, but it's made from the best materials, so perhaps that's impossible. Withal I don't have the strength for that. Even if I was rested I wouldn't be strong enough. Maybe with a saw or something but I don't have that. Then I would come in the temptation to hurt myself. And that temptation is already very big. I could get something heavy to ram the door, but then I have to leave and as I said before, I don't want that. Then there's only one thing left I could do. Slowly I walk towards it. I place my hand on it and want to pull, as I stop myself in time. I let the fire alarm go and sink against the wall. No, Niall. That's deceiving. Although to save his forces but still... And then the whole house here would be in panic. What do I reach then? Then all of them would be angry perhaps. No, that doesn't solve anything. Because then he comes out for a moment maybe, but he'll go back and lock himself again as fast as he get the chance. But it's the only way to get you out for a moment... The only way to see your beautiful face for a while. I could talk to you then and maybe convince you to eat something... No, Niall, no. Stay off that alarm. It's not fair and it's a desperate attempt. You wait with it. If he doesn't come out in time then you'll do it, as a kinda warning. I get up from the ground as I remind me of something. There's also an alarm for Like. Then Liam will get out too, right? No, he wouldn't. Of course he doesn't care if you would get hurt. You hurted him. It would only be justly. And again, it's deceiving. I'm not hurt. And gettting help from Like is also no solution. I have to solve this myself. I want to solve this myself. I know that if this is gonna take much longer, I will need it one day. 'cause every day I get a bit weaker. Both physical as mental. How long am I capable to fight this? I see it as a bit of a challenge. Fighting on my own 'till Liam admits. But what if it goes wrong? What if he won't come out? They'll take me over twice as hard as normal. Maybe three times. It's like the game Tjenga. I'm the tower, and you're the player of the game. Every day you pull a cube out, and lay it on the top of me. Every day the tower becomes higher, but more fragile and more unstable. And one day, it will fall, because then it loses its poise (evenwicht/zelfbeheersing). No. No, I won't fall. I'll stand straight, on two feet. I'll keep my balance, I'll keep my self-control. For you. I'm gonna fight this with all my faith. I'll believe I can do this! I walk back to the door and go standing with my ear against it. I don't hear that much. "They say music is just as addictive as a drug. Well, you're voice is my favourite music. It feels like I'm in rehab for my drug," I mumble. Of course you don't answer, and I don't expect you to. I look at the glass which is still standing untouched on the ground. Now I actually feel how dry my mouth is, my throat. I have sore throat from the thirst and I have abdominal pains from the hunger. Still I refuse to eat or to drink. I grab the glass from the ground and set it against the door. I go standing with my ear against it, so I can hear your breathing better. It comforts me a bit, your regular breathing. I let myself sink on my knees with the glass in my hand. I close my eyes and keep listening to your breathing, as I feel the sleep deprivation coming out. I keep listening, and I feel it calms me down a bit. After a while my fingers lose its grip and the glass falls out of my hand, stuck on the floor. I fell asleep.
9.07 am
The next morning I wake up between shards of the glass. In one of my legs sticks a shard. Quick I pull it out of my skin and my eyes get big by seeing all this shards. I start to breath heavier a bit. "No, no, no," I mumble. "Niall, fight," I say in panic, not knowing I'm saying it out loud. I start to tremble. "No!" I cry and with my foot I shove the shards away from me. "Common, you can do this on your own," I say while I bite my lip. I feel my breathing becomes even heavier.
"Liam.." I say a bit in panic and swallow. "Can you please say something..." I ask careful. "Doesn't matter what.."
2.12 am
Tired of staring at the walls and hoping you'll take the iniative to come out of the room, I pick my phone and watch twitter. Narry is trending, and I got loads of tweets about what happened yesterday. The picture of the Narry kiss scattered all over the internet, and even old Narry pictures come back above. I click on the picture to enlarge it. I can't believe our lips really touched. They circled your face with a red line. I read the tweet of the girl who posted it. 'Is it just me or does Liam look a bit hurted and jealous at the same time?' Another girl reacts on it 'He is indeed. My friend was there when it happened. I know from her that Liam has a crush on Harry or something.' I sigh really loud while reading this. No, no you're all wrong, is what I think. Narry isn't real, Niam is real... At least it was, 'till I screwed it for the seven hundredth time. I look if I got any messages. I got one of Drake, and a lot of Justin. Without reading the texts I send Justin: 'I'm sorry, bro. I'm not in the mood to talk now.' Then I open the message of Drake. It's about that his mom is doing better now and at the end he says 'I read about the Narry thing. What happened? I know you're loyal and that you would never cheat on Liam, so is it a rumour or..?' Quick I send a message back. As I put my phone back in my pocket, my stomach makes some loud noise. "Not now," I say a bit irritated. Of course it doesn't work and again it makes an inextricable noise. I sigh and sink some more. Softly I start to sing. "I got chills they're multiplying and I'm losing control. 'cause the power you're supplying. It's electrifying." Again I sigh and want to stop singing, as I hear your voice suddenly singing the following lyrics. Without knowing it my mouth corners curl a bit up. "You better shape up," you sing, "'cause I need a man. And my heart is set on you. You better shape up. You better understand. To my heart I must be true."
"Nothing left, nothing left for me to do," I sing.
"You're the one that I want(You are the one I want) ho ho ho
You're the one that I want(You are the one I want) ho ho ho
You're the one that I want(You are the one I want) ho ho ho
The one that I need, oh, yes indeed."
I laugh a bit because it sounds quite rediculous.
I read your message and shrug. What is food if I don't have you? I pick the bread from the ground and throw it against the elevator whereby the iron of it makes much noise. I pick the paper and write back: 'I can miss it, don't worry'. Then I pull my legs up and lay my arms around them. I hide my face in my knees and start to cry. Suddenly the elevator opens and I hear a famous voice crying: "What was that?!"
With tearful eyes I look up and see Louis standing in front of me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask with a husky voice.
"Looking for Liam."
I hear you mumbling something from the other side.
Louis doubts for a second. "Actually I'm running a bit for Harry." He sighs and plumbs near me on the ground.
"In that case I'm sorry I'm in your way," I mumble. "But why? Is he stalking you? That's because he loves you, Louis."
"No!" he cries. "He's not doing anything at all! I mean, yes he ran his mouth the whole way home yesterday but that's it! He expects that it's alright now and he just goes on with his life like nothing happened! I doubt if he actually regrets it!"
"I'm sure he does regret it, Louis."
"Yeah, maybe he's sorry for you, but not for our relationship, Niall," Louis mumbled. "He's just the dick like he was before!"
I sigh a bit because I actually don't have sense for this. "And what do you think to reach by telling me this? I can't turn back time, Louis. If I could then I would. And you know I'm the one to blame, right?"
"I don't know who's the one to blame and I actually don't care. He did it and that's just not acceptable. And perhaps I would forgive him if he at least endeavors, but... he pretends like nothing happened! And I'm not stopping him when he kisses me and stuff, but... I just don't like it that..." He doesn't finish his sentence and sighs. "Are you alright?" he asks careful.
"I am... fine," I say and swallow.
"Have you been sitting here all night?"
I shrug and nod.
"Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get some sleep," he says commiserative.
"Louis, I can't sleep and I also don't want to."
Louis thinks and looks through the room. Then his glance falls on the knife. "Niall, are you crazy!" he cries. "You could hurt yourself with that!" He grabs the knife from the ground.
"I didn't get it. Lindsey brought it," I say.
"And you..." He looks at the knife. "I thought you..."
"I want to but I won't. Because I promised Liam to fight and I will."
"Oh," he says. "I think I'll just go back to Harry and.. look what he has to say yet. Shall I bring the knife upstairs or... do you want to have it here?"
"I don't mind. I don't think I need it so you can take it with you."
He nods and walks back to the elevator. I lay my head against the door and sigh. New tears start to come.
(Heb je het nieuwe hoofdstuk al gelezen? Ik heb het zelf wel nog niet nagelezen want ik moest meteen naar mijn oma nadat ik het geschreven had xx)
Eigenlijk hè... als je er zo over nadenkt, is dat best wel een lied voor Niall.
'Why does it feel so good, but hurt so bad?' slaat op de pijn waar hij naar verlangt.
'My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can' - You get me.
'I say I'm done but then you pull me back' - als 'ie even denkt dat 'ie het wel onder controle heeft dan BAM. Zuigen de stemmen hem als het ware terug
'I swear you're giving me a heart attack' - Nou, zo ziet het wel soms uit, niet?
En die stemmen zijn dan de troublemakers. Hahaha!
Oké, wat ben ik toch een hopeloos persoon. :')
Why does it feel so good, but hurt so bad? Whohoah. My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can. Troublemaker! I say I'm done but then you pull me back. Whohoah. I swear you're giving me a heart attack. Troublemaker! Hahahha! Sorry :') xx
LlAM
Gastenboek (323)
I sigh and stand up. "I better shape up," I sing further. I don't care you don't sing with me. But the song is right. Indeed, I better shape up. "'cause you need a man. Who can keep you satisfied." I knew the last rule was meant for the other singer, but, I was not expecting you'd sing further and I was right. A single tear rolls over my cheek. I can't keep you satisfied, I think, I can only screw things. "I better shape up, when I'm gonna prove. I better prove your faith is justified." I wait a few seconds and then sing the refrain again. Yes, you're the one that I want... The only one. I better shape up... I walk to the mirror in the corridor and look at it. In the mirror I see an exhausted boy. His face shows sadness. His eyes give away he's everything but happy, 'cause they're doughy and red. They look extreme tired. His arms hang weak near his body. Powerless. The red color in his cheeks is all gone. His shirt is sweaty and dirty. His neck turned all red with small bumps. His hairs lie sloppy and untended along his head. His lips are cloven and colorless. Sighing the boy in the mirror pulls his shirt off. He turns a few times to see that the shingles are scattered all over his back and breast. He closes his eyes for a while and pulls the shirt back on. I better shape up, 'cause in this state I won't reach anything. It doesn't help to tire myself. It doesn't help to starve myself. Not that I'm gonna eat or sleep now. Both I don't have sense for. I'm afraid that if I try to fall asleep, I get those nightmares again. And if not, that I fall in such a deep sleep that... No, I don't wanna miss anything. Imagine something bad would happen or something. No, I can't go to sleep. And eating... No, I refuse to eat 'till you've eaten. But I gotta do something. I don't want that if you'll come out, because one day you have to, you find me like this. Weak as hell, unable to solve something himself. I gotta do something. You need to come out. Now. Before you starve yourself. I don't care if you'd let me starve but I don't want you to starve yourself. What a boyfriend am I if I let you weaken yourself inside there. I want to do something but I don't know what. You locked yourself. There's no way to get in. I can give you food but you refuse to eat it. I can't force you to do anything. I also don't want to force you to do something, but... Talking doesn't help, and I understand that. Who would listen to a dick like me? Maybe I could break the door open, but it's made from the best materials, so perhaps that's impossible. Withal I don't have the strength for that. Even if I was rested I wouldn't be strong enough. Maybe with a saw or something but I don't have that. Then I would come in the temptation to hurt myself. And that temptation is already very big. I could get something heavy to ram the door, but then I have to leave and as I said before, I don't want that. Then there's only one thing left I could do. Slowly I walk towards it. I place my hand on it and want to pull, as I stop myself in time. I let the fire alarm go and sink against the wall. No, Niall. That's deceiving. Although to save his forces but still... And then the whole house here would be in panic. What do I reach then? Then all of them would be angry perhaps. No, that doesn't solve anything. Because then he comes out for a moment maybe, but he'll go back and lock himself again as fast as he get the chance. But it's the only way to get you out for a moment... The only way to see your beautiful face for a while. I could talk to you then and maybe convince you to eat something... No, Niall, no. Stay off that alarm. It's not fair and it's a desperate attempt. You wait with it. If he doesn't come out in time then you'll do it, as a kinda warning. I get up from the ground as I remind me of something. There's also an alarm for Like. Then Liam will get out too, right? No, he wouldn't. Of course he doesn't care if you would get hurt. You hurted him. It would only be justly. And again, it's deceiving. I'm not hurt. And gettting help from Like is also no solution. I have to solve this myself. I want to solve this myself. I know that if this is gonna take much longer, I will need it one day. 'cause every day I get a bit weaker. Both physical as mental. How long am I capable to fight this? I see it as a bit of a challenge. Fighting on my own 'till Liam admits. But what if it goes wrong? What if he won't come out? They'll take me over twice as hard as normal. Maybe three times. It's like the game Tjenga. I'm the tower, and you're the player of the game. Every day you pull a cube out, and lay it on the top of me. Every day the tower becomes higher, but more fragile and more unstable. And one day, it will fall, because then it loses its poise (evenwicht/zelfbeheersing). No. No, I won't fall. I'll stand straight, on two feet. I'll keep my balance, I'll keep my self-control. For you. I'm gonna fight this with all my faith. I'll believe I can do this! I walk back to the door and go standing with my ear against it. I don't hear that much. "They say music is just as addictive as a drug. Well, you're voice is my favourite music. It feels like I'm in rehab for my drug," I mumble. Of course you don't answer, and I don't expect you to. I look at the glass which is still standing untouched on the ground. Now I actually feel how dry my mouth is, my throat. I have sore throat from the thirst and I have abdominal pains from the hunger. Still I refuse to eat or to drink. I grab the glass from the ground and set it against the door. I go standing with my ear against it, so I can hear your breathing better. It comforts me a bit, your regular breathing. I let myself sink on my knees with the glass in my hand. I close my eyes and keep listening to your breathing, as I feel the sleep deprivation coming out. I keep listening, and I feel it calms me down a bit. After a while my fingers lose its grip and the glass falls out of my hand, stuck on the floor. I fell asleep.
1 decennium geleden9.07 am
The next morning I wake up between shards of the glass. In one of my legs sticks a shard. Quick I pull it out of my skin and my eyes get big by seeing all this shards. I start to breath heavier a bit. "No, no, no," I mumble. "Niall, fight," I say in panic, not knowing I'm saying it out loud. I start to tremble. "No!" I cry and with my foot I shove the shards away from me. "Common, you can do this on your own," I say while I bite my lip. I feel my breathing becomes even heavier.
"Liam.." I say a bit in panic and swallow. "Can you please say something..." I ask careful. "Doesn't matter what.."
2.12 am
1 decennium geledenTired of staring at the walls and hoping you'll take the iniative to come out of the room, I pick my phone and watch twitter. Narry is trending, and I got loads of tweets about what happened yesterday. The picture of the Narry kiss scattered all over the internet, and even old Narry pictures come back above. I click on the picture to enlarge it. I can't believe our lips really touched. They circled your face with a red line. I read the tweet of the girl who posted it. 'Is it just me or does Liam look a bit hurted and jealous at the same time?' Another girl reacts on it 'He is indeed. My friend was there when it happened. I know from her that Liam has a crush on Harry or something.' I sigh really loud while reading this. No, no you're all wrong, is what I think. Narry isn't real, Niam is real... At least it was, 'till I screwed it for the seven hundredth time. I look if I got any messages. I got one of Drake, and a lot of Justin. Without reading the texts I send Justin: 'I'm sorry, bro. I'm not in the mood to talk now.' Then I open the message of Drake. It's about that his mom is doing better now and at the end he says 'I read about the Narry thing. What happened? I know you're loyal and that you would never cheat on Liam, so is it a rumour or..?' Quick I send a message back. As I put my phone back in my pocket, my stomach makes some loud noise. "Not now," I say a bit irritated. Of course it doesn't work and again it makes an inextricable noise. I sigh and sink some more. Softly I start to sing. "I got chills they're multiplying and I'm losing control. 'cause the power you're supplying. It's electrifying." Again I sigh and want to stop singing, as I hear your voice suddenly singing the following lyrics. Without knowing it my mouth corners curl a bit up. "You better shape up," you sing, "'cause I need a man. And my heart is set on you. You better shape up. You better understand. To my heart I must be true."
"Nothing left, nothing left for me to do," I sing.
"You're the one that I want(You are the one I want) ho ho ho
You're the one that I want(You are the one I want) ho ho ho
You're the one that I want(You are the one I want) ho ho ho
The one that I need, oh, yes indeed."
I laugh a bit because it sounds quite rediculous.
I read your message and shrug. What is food if I don't have you? I pick the bread from the ground and throw it against the elevator whereby the iron of it makes much noise. I pick the paper and write back: 'I can miss it, don't worry'. Then I pull my legs up and lay my arms around them. I hide my face in my knees and start to cry. Suddenly the elevator opens and I hear a famous voice crying: "What was that?!"
1 decennium geledenWith tearful eyes I look up and see Louis standing in front of me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask with a husky voice.
"Looking for Liam."
I hear you mumbling something from the other side.
Louis doubts for a second. "Actually I'm running a bit for Harry." He sighs and plumbs near me on the ground.
"In that case I'm sorry I'm in your way," I mumble. "But why? Is he stalking you? That's because he loves you, Louis."
"No!" he cries. "He's not doing anything at all! I mean, yes he ran his mouth the whole way home yesterday but that's it! He expects that it's alright now and he just goes on with his life like nothing happened! I doubt if he actually regrets it!"
"I'm sure he does regret it, Louis."
"Yeah, maybe he's sorry for you, but not for our relationship, Niall," Louis mumbled. "He's just the dick like he was before!"
I sigh a bit because I actually don't have sense for this. "And what do you think to reach by telling me this? I can't turn back time, Louis. If I could then I would. And you know I'm the one to blame, right?"
"I don't know who's the one to blame and I actually don't care. He did it and that's just not acceptable. And perhaps I would forgive him if he at least endeavors, but... he pretends like nothing happened! And I'm not stopping him when he kisses me and stuff, but... I just don't like it that..." He doesn't finish his sentence and sighs. "Are you alright?" he asks careful.
"I am... fine," I say and swallow.
"Have you been sitting here all night?"
I shrug and nod.
"Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get some sleep," he says commiserative.
"Louis, I can't sleep and I also don't want to."
Louis thinks and looks through the room. Then his glance falls on the knife. "Niall, are you crazy!" he cries. "You could hurt yourself with that!" He grabs the knife from the ground.
"I didn't get it. Lindsey brought it," I say.
"And you..." He looks at the knife. "I thought you..."
"I want to but I won't. Because I promised Liam to fight and I will."
"Oh," he says. "I think I'll just go back to Harry and.. look what he has to say yet. Shall I bring the knife upstairs or... do you want to have it here?"
"I don't mind. I don't think I need it so you can take it with you."
He nods and walks back to the elevator. I lay my head against the door and sigh. New tears start to come.
(Heb je het nieuwe hoofdstuk al gelezen? Ik heb het zelf wel nog niet nagelezen want ik moest meteen naar mijn oma nadat ik het geschreven had xx)
Eigenlijk hè... als je er zo over nadenkt, is dat best wel een lied voor Niall.
1 decennium geleden'Why does it feel so good, but hurt so bad?' slaat op de pijn waar hij naar verlangt.
'My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can' - You get me.
'I say I'm done but then you pull me back' - als 'ie even denkt dat 'ie het wel onder controle heeft dan BAM. Zuigen de stemmen hem als het ware terug
'I swear you're giving me a heart attack' - Nou, zo ziet het wel soms uit, niet?
En die stemmen zijn dan de troublemakers. Hahaha!
Oké, wat ben ik toch een hopeloos persoon. :')
xx
Why does it feel so good, but hurt so bad? Whohoah. My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can. Troublemaker! I say I'm done but then you pull me back. Whohoah. I swear you're giving me a heart attack. Troublemaker! Hahahha! Sorry :') xx
1 decennium geleden