• 1. Why shouldn't I use the word "Dutch"
    when I am in Holland?

    The word "Dutch" reminds a Hollander of the word "duits" which is a
    word for Germans and other things he doesn't like.

    2. Which Du.. Hollandse words should I learn
    before coming to Holland?

    None.
    Never try to speak Hollands, not even if you have lived in Holland for
    more than five years.
    Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also no Hollander
    will have any idea what you are trying to say.
    Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish.
    Speaking gibberish, they are an easy prey for pickpockets because they
    can't make a decent report to the police.
    Every Hollander speaks English.

    Upon occasion, you will overhear people using words which sound
    like Hollands but actually make some sense to you. These people
    will be British or German tourists.

    3. What is "Drop"?

    Drop is a kind of liquorice that only Hollanders can eat.
    It can be recognized by its color: black.
    To foreigners the taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.
    All Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the vile stuff.


    If you like to eat this, you are a Hollander.
    There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners
    who are tricked into believing it is edible.

    4. Where can I buy those cute wooden
    shoes?

    Just about everywhere but please don't, they'll look absolutely
    silly on you.
    Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first
    place.
    A Hollander himself wouldn't want to be found dead in them.

    5. Shall I be safe behind the dikes?

    Yes, we haven't had a major flood in ...oh two weeks.
    No honest, you'll be quite safe.
    A word of caution: Do not try to make holes in dikes.
    Behavior like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can
    get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob.
    You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like.
    It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.
    Mind you, some dikes are notoriously short on having a sense of humor.

    Back to the top of this page.
    6. I cant seem to reason with any Hollander,
    why is that ?

    A Hollander is always right and he knows it.
    With this in the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.
    If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
    absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.
    This will drive him absolutely crazy:
    Since you are a foreigner you can't be right.
    You agree with him.
    Therefore he also cannot be right.
    Impossible! He is a Hollander.
    But.. why.. he..aaaaarrrrgglll..

    At this point you may want to stand back a little and watch him try to
    strangle himself with a tulip.

    7. Do I have to show an interest in Tulips,
    wooden shoes, windmills or cheese?

    No that is not necessary.
    Every Hollander knows that you came for the soft drugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes.
    Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find.
    Ask any Hollander age six or older or look at www.ignatzmice.com.


    I'd like to point out that the windmills and wooden shoes
    prove a desire for, or dependency on, tourism.
    Natives in Holland put up with tourists, even welcome tourists,
    but do not *need* tourists and will explain this at length.

    8. Do you have any tips on visiting Hollandse
    soccer games?

    Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost.
    Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains
    of just about everyone else, including yours, after the game is won.
    .Or lost....Or if it is a draw.
    It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these
    festivities.

    9. Is the Hollandse police any good?

    The police play an important role in the Hollandse social life
    because they are used for throwing things at.
    If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman.
    No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit or maim
    a policeman or kick him hard in the groin.

    Police represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any
    authority higher than himself.
    You may also notice that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact
    foreigners tricked into taking the job.

    Police are also very good crime indicators, they can always be found in areas that have no- or very, very little- chance of having any crime.

    10. Is it true that Hollanders don't like to spend money?

    Definitely!
    They'd sooner cut off their own ear than spend an extra cent.
    A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something
    for free.
    (Note: Social diseases are an exception)


    The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders
    fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.


    Back to the top of this page.
    11. Are Hollanders bothered by the small size of their country?

    O no, not at all.
    Indeed, Holland is very small.
    There is even a rumor that Holland is put inside during rainstorms.
    Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year.
    (This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float.)
    Hollanders are proud of their country.
    They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation
    has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.

    12. How do I insult a Hollander?

    If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you
    will- simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist.

    Now immediately start to run for your life!
    He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace loving person and he
    won't stop proving this until your intestines are scattered all over
    the floor.

    13. Are Hollanders really that tolerant?

    No, they are not.
    They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and
    hard-drugs, Malaysian women, weapons and pornography to foreigners
    to let a good opportunity for making huge profits go by.

    14. How is the public transportation in
    Holland?

    Because of its small size, the main form of public transportation
    in Holland is a bike.
    Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock.
    (An art learned by Hollandse children before the age of 3)
    However, don't expect your own bike to be where you left it three
    minutes earlier.
    The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year.
    Have fun.

    15. What is this small vicious looking blade I find at every meal?

    It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin
    (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese.
    Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Hollander.
    Never try to cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool
    of yourself.


    Back to the top of this page.
    16. What is a "patatje met"?

    Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in liters of mayonnaise
    and put it in small paper bags.
    This is called "een patatje met".


    The best "patatje met" can be bought in Rotterdam at Bram Ladage.
    (Tell them I sent you)
    One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period.
    Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living.
    Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.


    17. What is with these coffee shops I seem to come across in every street?

    O dear..
    There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
    yourself in Holland:
    Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino with appelpie.
    Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee.
    (actually, most do but they'd rather sell you something else)
    You can get a good number of other stimulating things there.

    18. What is a "Fries"?

    A Fries (pronounced FREECE) is a semi-detached sort of Hollander,
    living in the north of the country in a province all for himself.


    A Fries is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that they are -indeed- not Fries.
    The rest of the Hollanders look upon this behavior with the good
    natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an obstinate child.

    19. What books should I read about Holland?

    None, this website is more than enough.
    However I can recommend you take these books with you if you come to Holland: The complete works of William Shakespeare or a
    leather-bound volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica
    (the 1913 copy: Fr to He).
    In my experience these two books have just about the right weight for
    clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any
    lasting scars.

    After hitting you may want to drop the book you were carrying at
    the moment for a more speedy retreat.
    Note: Bring plenty of books.

    20. Where can I hire a car?

    Do not bother to hire one.
    Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need but car-traffic
    in Holland is not something you will enjoy.
    In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or
    kilometers, Hollandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.
    As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth
    a tourist visit.

    The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite
    uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature.
    You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through open car windows.
    The resulting fights are often worth watching.


    Back to the top of this page.
    21. I'd like to take my mother-in-law to
    Holland, can I?

    Well...yes of course, but why would .. Ah, I see!
    Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law
    to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia.
    Hollandse euthanasia laws may be the most liberal on earth but
    tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own hands.

    22. Please?

    No!

    23. Why are there so many churches in
    Holland?

    Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of
    all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a
    church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking.Kerken3_1
    Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways
    of life and religious convictions.

    They are not.
    The only reason for there being so many different churches, sects
    and cults is the fact that Hollanders disagree on just about anything.
    A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks
    different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.



    24. So, is Holland a republic or a monarchy?

    Holland is a kingdom. (There is a difference there)
    It has no king but a queen and her husband was no king but a prince.

    The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not much anyway- but she
    is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries.
    She is also very decorative at state banquets.
    Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops
    erm.. queening.
    The queens husband was not a king but a prince but the crown prince's wife will be a queen as soon as he is a king.
    Their daughter however will be queen but her husband...o what the heck.
    On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the
    queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the queen's mother
    (who used to be the queen).

    Confused? Well, so are we.

    25. How come there are so many famous
    Hollandse painters?

    The short answer is, because of the Hollandse polders.
    Polders are boring places... very, very boring places.
    They consist of lots of flat nothing with cows in it.
    The only places to have a bit of fun is
    (a) inside your own head (drugs) or
    (b) on a bit of canvas with a nice nude model (painting).

    Most Hollandse painters get to be famous only after they have died.
    That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics point of view.
    Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man has got
    to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers.
    The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are unable
    to do anything about it.
    In at least one case the frustration has led to self-mutilation
    involving an ear.


    Back to the top of this page.
    26. Is the Hollandse healthcare any good?

    Do not get sick in Holland!
    Over the last ten years, the famous Hollandse healthcare has been
    privatized.
    These days some operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting
    list of more than six months.
    The doctors don't think that is a problem because, they say, half
    of the patient never even bother to show up after six months anyway.

    Some Hollandse patients who have become desperate, move to a
    country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is
    infinitely better and waiting lists much shorter.

    27. Is it o.k. to drink Hollandse tap water?

    Yes, Hollandse tap water is completely safe to drink.
    This is quite remarkable considering that most drinking water comes
    from polluted rivers like the Rhine.
    Plans to improve the quality of the river water, so that fish like
    salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong
    resistance from the Nederlanders.
    They don't like the idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.

    28. Should I worry about high crime-rates in
    Holland?

    No problems there, Holland has a very low crime index.
    The reason for this is not that Hollanders are not as criminal as others but in Holland fewer things are considered a crime.

    This not only generates interesting new forms of income but it also
    saves on the workload of the police and our justice department.
    The only crime that is severely punished is speeding in your car.
    Exceeding the speed limit with only a few kilometers per hour is
    good for a considerable speeding ticket.

    29. Do Hollanders have nationalistic feelings?

    Some do.
    They will point out to you that Holland has finished second in
    almost every war it has fought.
    Further more, the Hollandse national football team has won more
    medals for runner-up than any other nation.
    Even if Hollanders failed to win more Olympic Gold Medals than any
    other nation, they at least have the satisfaction of knowing they
    supplied the drugs to the countries who did.
    Which is enough to make one proud to be a Hollander.

    30. Any words on the Hollandse cuisine?

    Just one: RUN!
    Hollandse cuisine consists mainly of some form of organic matter deep fried in any vegetable or mineral oil close at hand.
    A "Hollands restaurant" is a 'contradictio in terminus'.

    A good example of typical Hollandse cuisine is the "kroket".
    (pronounced as "crow-cat)
    It is shaped as the dropping of a now mercifully extinct kind of water buffalo, is crunchy on the outside and soft(ish) on the inside.
    The taste is -strangely enough- quite nice and most foreigners will like the experience to a certain degree.


    The kroket is known for its high mineral content even though the makers specifically insist in their own FAQ that this product
    "does not contain any horsemeat".

    31. What is "gedoogbeleid"?

    The short answer is: The opposite of zero-tolerance policy.
    But there is more to it.

    In Holland the best known form of "gedoogbeleid" is the policy on soft drugs.
    Possession of more than 5 grams of hasj or marihuana is forbidden by law but -get this- the police won't act against trade in these illegal substances as long as it is done inside a coffee shop.
    There is a misconception that the Hollandse police do this because they are not capable enough to stop the trade.
    Yeah...right.
    Not so, there is one and only one very good reason for this gedoogbeleid:
    Coffee shops pay taxes and illegal traders don't.
    Again?
    ok: Yes you read correctly, the coffee shops pay taxes.

    And so, the coffee shop owners take care of business like illegal trade and unruly customers, the local shop owners get lots of income from tourists and the government gets loads of free money.
    Now compare this to zero tolerance policy with lots of expensive prisons and look at the bright smiles on the faces of Hollanders.


    Til hug og blod.

    Eeyore schreef:
    "A Fries (pronounced FREECE) is a semi-detached sort of Hollander,
    living in the north of the country in a province all for himself."

    *O*

    haha, jeah mee too!
    but I'm moving to england, whenever I can...


    It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death & darkness nothing more. - albus dumbledore

    Ben ik nu de enige die het hier grotendeels niet mee eens is?
    Hoe zit het dan met ons Belgen?

    Ik lust drop, maakt mij dat een Nederlander?
    Ik dacht het niet :)

    En ik blijf erbij...de puntzak met frieten is typisch Belgisch.

    Ik neem dit inderdaad redelijk serieus, maar dat is omdat ik het verkeerd vind dat buitenlanders op deze manier een totaal verkeerd beeld hebben van Belgen en Nederlanders.

    En ik weet ook wel dat jij het niet gemaakt hebt, dus zie dit ook niet als een persoonlijke aanval :)


    Forget the risk and take the fall...If it's what you want, it's worth it all.

    Leannan schreef:
    Ben ik nu de enige die het hier grotendeels niet mee eens is?
    Hoe zit het dan met ons Belgen?

    Ik lust drop, maakt mij dat een Nederlander?
    Ik dacht het niet :)

    En ik blijf erbij...de puntzak met frieten is typisch Belgisch.

    Ik neem dit inderdaad redelijk serieus, maar dat is omdat ik het verkeerd vind dat buitenlanders op deze manier een totaal verkeerd beeld hebben van Belgen en Nederlanders.

    En ik weet ook wel dat jij het niet gemaakt hebt, dus zie dit ook niet als een persoonlijke aanval :)


    It's a joke.


    Welcome to Night Vale. All Hail the Glow Cloud. All Hail Perfect, Beautiful Carlos.

    Ten schreef:
    (...)

    It's a joke.




    Zo ver was ik ook al...ik zei toch dat ik dit vrij serieus neem?
    Maar dat is eigen mening, toch? (joehoe)


    Forget the risk and take the fall...If it's what you want, it's worth it all.

    Leannan schreef:
    Ben ik nu de enige die het hier grotendeels niet mee eens is?
    Hoe zit het dan met ons Belgen?

    Ik lust drop, maakt mij dat een Nederlander?
    Ik dacht het niet :)

    En ik blijf erbij...de puntzak met frieten is typisch Belgisch.

    Ik neem dit inderdaad redelijk serieus, maar dat is omdat ik het verkeerd vind dat buitenlanders op deze manier een totaal verkeerd beeld hebben van Belgen en Nederlanders.

    En ik weet ook wel dat jij het niet gemaakt hebt, dus zie dit ook niet als een persoonlijke aanval :)


    *Facedesk*
    Je neemt het veeeeeel te serieus. En dat verkeerd beeld hebben valt ook heus wel mee. Hoewel veel dingen toch gewoon een dikke kern van waarheid hebben. :')
    En er staat Dutch. Niet belgium. Dus dat snap ik sowieso al niet, dat je dat er meteen bij trekt. :')


    Til hug og blod.

    Turmoil schreef:
    (...)

    *Facedesk*
    Je neemt het veeeeeel te serieus. En dat verkeerd beeld hebben valt ook heus wel mee. Hoewel veel dingen toch gewoon een dikke kern van waarheid hebben. :')
    En er staat Dutch. Niet belgium. Dus dat snap ik sowieso al niet, dat je dat er meteen bij trekt. :')

    Je begrijpt me verkeerd :)
    Jullie spreken "Dutch"...wij Belgen spreken voor zover ik me nog herinner ook Nederlands.
    En het is eigen mening zoals ik al eerder heb gezegd... En ik herhaal dat je het niet persoonlijk moet opvatten


    Forget the risk and take the fall...If it's what you want, it's worth it all.

    Dreuzel schreef:
    (...)
    haha, jeah mee too!
    but I'm moving to england, whenever I can...


    Same here, ik ben een trotse Friezin, maar ik vertrek naar Engeland zodra d'r ruimte voor is.


    "A weed is simply a flower that somebody has decided is in the wrong place." Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

    Deze zag ik op Anime Wolken Forum.

    There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
    yourself in Holland:
    Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino with appelpie.
    Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee.
    (actually, most do but they'd rather sell you something else)
    You can get a good number of other stimulating things there.

    Genius.

    [ bericht aangepast op 31 mei 2012 - 21:54 ]

    Leannan schreef:
    (...)
    Je begrijpt me verkeerd :)
    Jullie spreken "Dutch"...wij Belgen spreken voor zover ik me nog herinner ook Nederlands.
    En het is eigen mening zoals ik al eerder heb gezegd... En ik herhaal dat je het niet persoonlijk moet opvatten


    Ja, dus? In delen van Africa en veel plekken op de Antillen wordt ook Nederlands gesproken ... Betekent toch niet meteen dat ze het ook over die landen hebben?


    Til hug og blod.

    Turmoil schreef:
    (...)

    Ja, dus? In delen van Africa en veel plekken op de Antillen wordt ook Nederlands gesproken ... Betekent toch niet meteen dat ze het ook over die landen hebben?

    Ik ben half Antilliaans en op Curaçao spreekt de helft van de mensen ook Nederlands. De een beter dan de ander, maar het begint te komen bij de mensen.

    En in Zuid-Afrika... Dat deels-Nederlands... is gewoon gibberish voor mij.

    Andante schreef:
    Heheh, hier was een paar dagen geleden ook een topic over dacht ik ^^;
    Still funny though.


    This is the part of me, that you're never ever gonna take away from me.

    Symphonia schreef:
    (...)

    En daarom zijn wij Friezen, zo onzettend Fries. :Y)


    Wie durft te verdwalen, zal nieuwe wegen vinden!