Jealous Basilisk
A Screenplay by Fanny the genius
INT. HOGWARTS - AFTERNOON
Nerd personal assistant of the minister of magic MR PERCY WEASLEY is arguing with brave international quidditch player MR OLIVER WOOD. PERCY tries to hug OLIVER but he shakes him off.
PERCY
Please Oliver, don't leave me.
OLIVER
I'm sorry Percy, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
PERCY
I am such a person!
OLIVER frowns.
OLIVER
I'm sorry, Percy. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
OLIVER leaves.
PERCY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, fanatic auror MR HARRY POTTER barges in looking flustered.
PERCY
Goodness, Harry! Is everything okay?
HARRY
I'm afraid not.
PERCY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
HARRY
It's ... a basilisk ... I saw an evil basilisk shit on a bunch of cowboys!
PERCY
Defenseless cowboys?
HARRY
Yes, defenseless cowboys!
PERCY
Bloomin' heck, Harry! We've got to do something.
HARRY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
PERCY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
HARRY
I was...
HARRY fans himself and begins to wheeze.
PERCY
Focus Harry, focus! Where did it happen?
HARRY
Voldemorts bathroom! That's right - Voldemorts bathroom!
PERCY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
PERCY rushes along the street, followed by HARRY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. VOLDEMORTS BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
DONALD TRUMP a jealous basilisk terrorises two cowboys.
PERCY, closely followed by HARRY, rushes towards DONALD, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
HARRY
What is is? What's the matter?
PERCY
That's not just any old basilisk, that's Donald Trump!
HARRY
Who's Donald Trump?
PERCY
Who's Donald Trump? Who's Donald Trump? Only the most jealous basilisk in the universe!
HARRY
Blinkin' knickers, Percy! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most jealous basilisk in the universe!
PERCY
You can say that again.
HARRY
Blinkin' knickers, Percy! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most jealous basilisk in the universe!
PERCY
I'm going to need charms, lots of charms.
Donald turns and sees Percy and Harry. He grins an evil grin.
DONALD
Percy Weasley, we meet again.
HARRY
You've met?
PERCY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young PERCY is sitting in a park listening to some folk music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees DONALD. He takes off his headphones.
DONALD
Would you like some sugarfree candy?
PERCY's eyes light up, but then he studies DONALD more closely, and looks uneasy.
PERCY
I don't know, you look kind of jealous.
DONALD
Me? No. I'm not jealous. I'm the least jealous basilisk in the world.
PERCY
Wait, you're a basilisk?
PERCY runs away, screaming.
INT. VOLDEMORTS BATHROOM - PRESENT DAY
DONALD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
HARRY
(To PERCY) You ran away?
PERCY
(To HARRY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
PERCY turns to DONALD.
PERCY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
PERCY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
PERCY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with charms.
DONALD
I'm not scared of you.
PERCY
You should be.
INT. HAGRID'S HUT - LATER THAT DAY
PERCY and HARRY walk around searching for something.
PERCY
I feel sure I left my charms somewhere around here.
HARRY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly charms.
PERCY
You know nothing Harry Potter.
HARRY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, DONALD appears, holding a pair of charms.
DONALD
Looking for something?
HARRY
Crikey, Percy, he's got your charms.
PERCY
Tell me something I don't already know!
HARRY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
PERCY
I know that already!
HARRY
I killed your pet snails by accident.
DONALD
(appalled) Dude!
While DONALD is looking at HARRY with disgust, PERCY lunges forward and grabs his deadly charms. He wields them, triumphantly.
PERCY
Prepare to die, you jealous carrot!
DONALD
No please! All I did was shit on a bunch of cowboys!
OLIVER enters, unseen by any of the others.
PERCY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those cowboys were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Percy Weasley defender of innocent cowboys.
DONALD
Don't hurt me! Please!
PERCY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these charms on you right away!
DONALD
Because Percy, I am your father.
PERCY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
PERCY
No you're not!
DONALD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
DONALD tries to grab the charms but PERCY dodges out of the way.
PERCY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, DONALD slumps to the ground.
HARRY
Did he just faint?
PERCY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly charms.
PERCY crouches over DONALD's body.
HARRY
Be careful, Percy. It could be a trick.
PERCY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Donald Trump is dead!
PERCY
What?
PERCY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
HARRY claps his hands.
HARRY
So your charms did save the day, after all.
OLIVER steps forward.
OLIVER
Is it true? Did you kill the jealous basilisk?
PERCY
Oliver how long have you been...?
OLIVER puts his arm around PERCY.
OLIVER
Long enough.
PERCY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Donald Trump.
OLIVER
Then the cowboys are safe?
PERCY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable cowboys enter, looking relived.
OLIVER
You are their hero.
The cowboys bow to PERCY.
PERCY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Donald Trump will never shit on cowboys ever again, is enough for me.
OLIVER
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the cowboys passes PERCY a fancy bracelet
OLIVER
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
PERCY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
PERCY
Well, if you insist.
PERCY takes the bracelet.
PERCY
Thank you.
The cowboys bow their heads once more, and leave.
PERCY turns to OLIVER.
PERCY
Does this mean you want me back?
OLIVER
Oh, Percy, of course I want you back!
PERCY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
PERCY
Well you can't have me.
OLIVER
WHAT?
PERCY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a basilisk to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
OLIVER
But...
PERCY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Harry.
HARRY grins.
OLIVER
But...
HARRY
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
OLIVER
Percy?
PERCY
I'm sorry Oliver, but I think you should skidaddle.
OLIVER leaves.
HARRY turns to PERCY.
HARRY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
PERCY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly HARRY stops.
HARRY
When I said I killed your pet snails by accident, you know I was just trying to distract the basilisk don't you?
THE END