She || 3

I have never had a new years kiss.
I just like to put that there.
I haven't been kissed underneath a mistletoe either.
I haven't even seen a mistletoe in my life.
And I know that those things are normal.
You aren't abnormal if you haven't had these.

I will never have one of those if I continue like this.
Or many,
If you count daydreams.
I'll probably never date again,
apart from these daydreams.

Some of them don't even involve relationships,
just being with her,
even though I like her.
I'd give everything to be with her,
friendship/relationship, i don't care,
I do,
I'd give everything times ten to be with her,
relationship.

Others feature us actually together,
relationship.
Those feel good.
They shouldn't, right?
I don't know why I fell for her
She had her before we started talking,
I cannot deny they're cute together,
no-one could,
not even me.
I envy her.
Why?
Why can't I fall for a girl,
That is not already taken.

But she is beautiful,
And deserves all the happiness,
In the world,
And I am miserable,
And I don't deserve,
Anything at all.
She deserves to be,
The happiest person,
In the world,
In the universe,
Everywhere,
And that isn't caused,
By me.

And even though I want to be,
As happy as I can be,
That won't be caused by her,
It will,
But not in the way,
I want,
Not in the way,
I need,
In a way,
That only I can complete,
By sleeping,
With my eyes open,
By dreaming,
Without actually doing so.
Is that what I am meant to do?