Is dit (redelijk) goed Engels? - Taal

Oke, omdat ik dus echt niet normaal slecht ben in Engels en deze drie random stukjes tijdens de Engelse les moest schrijven, vroeg ik me af of er veel fouten in staan en dan ook welke. Want no way dat ik zoiets aan mijn Engels leraar ga vragen, hij is gewoon een creep. Wel aardig, maar gewoon raar soms
Dus.. Zou iemand eventueel de fouten er uit kunnen halen? Grammatica en alles dus eah..
Sorry als dit niet de bedoeling was van dit subforum, maar ik dacht dat dit wel mocht?

Ik heb de naam Niall gebruikt want ik wist geen andere

He laid his hand on my shoulder, I turned on and looked in his ice blue eyes. “What’s the matter, Niall?” He seemed a little bit confused and said nothing. “Niall?”
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”

Three months later and I never heard something from him again. He just disappeared; no one knew where he was. I didn’t know what to do, it felt like it was all my fault. And I think that’s true, I think it was my fault. If I didn’t tell him what happened in the past, he would never know and he wouldn’t give a shit. But now.. maybe it ruined his life, I didn’t know.. I still don't know.
I had to go and find him. But where should’ve I started? Maybe he wasn’t still alive, maybe it killed him.
If he was still alive.. I’ve had to go and save him.

“Skye! Go away, now!” He pushed me away, I fell on the ground. It did hurt. “You really have to go.”
“Why?” I asked him, “What’s going on?”
He ignored my question. “Go, now!”
I wanted to ask again why I had to do that, then I heard a terrible noise. It scared me. “What was that?” I looked around, but I didn’t see anything. The fog made sure that there was nothing to see. “Niall?”
A loud scream, creepy noises. “Niall? Where are you!”
And then I saw it. His black, empty eyes. The blood that was all over his body. His teeth that came closer and closer.. He growled and then attacked me. Niall shouted my name, but it was too late. I was dead.

Je Engels is op zich redelijk goed. Er zitten af en toe wel wat slordigheidsfoutjes in en de opbouw van je zinnen kloppen ook niet helemaal. Je laat een zin soms doorlopen naar de volgende, met een komma, terwijl je er veel beter een punt tussen had kunnen zetten.

26 - 02 - '16

Ik wil je fouten wel eruit halen, maar ik ben bang dat ik de tekst dan op een manier ga aanpassen waardoor het niet meer jouw schrijfstijl is. :')

"Her heart was a secret garden, and the walls were very high."

Het is niet slecht, er zitten wat foutjes in, maar het valt wel mee.

Everybody wants forever, I just want to burn up bright...

Je gebruikt redelijk veel letterlijke vertalingen uit het Nederlands naar het Engels, maar dat zijn dan uitdrukkingen die ze naar niet echt gebruiken.
Voor de rest.. prima (:

“Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars.” - Tolkien

Het is redelijk. Ik vrees dat als ik je fouten eruit gaat halen, het je zinsbouw gaat veranderen.

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Het maakt niet uit dat de zinsopbouw dan verandert, ik ben gewoon nieuwsgierig wat ik er aan kan verbeteren enzo

Ik zit in de klas, dus ik zal het stuk voor stuk moeten doen. (:

[ bericht aangepast op 21 jan 2014 - 18:10 ]

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Okayy, thanks
En ja dat klinkt allemaal echt stukken beter. En die eerste zin dat was gewoon dom, ik was het goede woord vergeten
In ieder geval al bedankt

He placed his hand on my shoulder and I turned around, looking into his icy, blue eyes. “What’s the matter, Niall?” He seemed to be quite confused and didn’t reply. “Niall?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.”

Three months had passed and I didn’t hear anything from him. He practically dissapeared; nobody seemed to know where he was. I didn’t know what to do, it did feel like it was all my fault. And to be honest, I think it’s true. I think it is my fault. If I never had told him what had happened in the past, he would never know about it and he wouldn’t care. But right now... maybe it had ruined his life. I don’t know.
I have to go and find him. But where should I start? What if he wasn’t alive anymore? Maybe it had killed him.
But if he was still alive, I had to go and save him.

“Skye! Go away, now!” He pushed me away and I fell down on the ground. It hurt. “You really have to go!”
“Why?” I asked him, “What’s going on?”
He didn’t reply to my question. “Go, now!”
I’ve wanted to ask why I had to leave, but I was cut off by a terrible noise. It really scared me.
“What was that?” I looked around, but I didn’t see anything. The fog made sure that I wasn’t able to look around. “Niall?”
A loud scream, followed by creepy noises. “Niall? Where are you?!”
And suddenly, I sa wit. His black, empty eyes. The bloodstains on his body. His teeth coming closer and closer. He growled and attacked me. Niall did shout my name, but it was too late.

I was dead.

(Ik heb geprobeerd om me zo veel mogelijk aan jouw schrijfstijl te houden. :'))

[ bericht aangepast op 21 jan 2014 - 18:20 ]

"Her heart was a secret garden, and the walls were very high."

[ bericht aangepast op 21 jan 2014 - 18:23 ]

From these ashes, I will rise

Wow, thanks.
Conclusie: voortaan blijf ik gewoon Nederlands schrijven

Knetterdisco schreef:
Wow, thanks.
Conclusie: voortaan blijf ik gewoon Nederlands schrijven

"Her heart was a secret garden, and the walls were very high."

Knetterdisco schreef:
Wow, thanks.
Conclusie: voortaan blijf ik gewoon Nederlands schrijven

From these ashes, I will rise

Haha die tijdsfouten enzo kwamen gewoon omdat ik niet kon kiezen of ik in verleden of tegenwoordige tijd wilde schrijven, en een paar keer ben geswitched en ben vergeten het te verbeteren