1. Why shouldn't I use the word "Dutch"
when I am in Holland?
The word "Dutch" reminds a Hollander of the word "duits" which is a
word for Germans and other things he doesn't like.
2. Which Du.. Hollandse words should I learn
before coming to Holland?
None.
Never try to speak Hollands, not even if you have lived in Holland for
more than five years.
Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also no Hollander
will have any idea what you are trying to say.
Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish.
Speaking gibberish, they are an easy prey for pickpockets because they
can't make a decent report to the police.
Every Hollander speaks English.
Upon occasion, you will overhear people using words which sound
like Hollands but actually make some sense to you. These people
will be British or German tourists.
3. What is "Drop"?
Drop is a kind of liquorice that only Hollanders can eat.
It can be recognized by its color: black.
To foreigners the taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.
All Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the vile stuff.
If you like to eat this, you are a Hollander.
There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners
who are tricked into believing it is edible.
4. Where can I buy those cute wooden
shoes?
Just about everywhere but please don't, they'll look absolutely
silly on you.
Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first
place.
A Hollander himself wouldn't want to be found dead in them.
5. Shall I be safe behind the dikes?
Yes, we haven't had a major flood in ...oh two weeks.
No honest, you'll be quite safe.
A word of caution: Do not try to make holes in dikes.
Behavior like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can
get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob.
You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like.
It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.
Mind you, some dikes are notoriously short on having a sense of humor.
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6. I cant seem to reason with any Hollander,
why is that ?
A Hollander is always right and he knows it.
With this in the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.
If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.
This will drive him absolutely crazy:
Since you are a foreigner you can't be right.
You agree with him.
Therefore he also cannot be right.
Impossible! He is a Hollander.
But.. why.. he..aaaaarrrrgglll..
At this point you may want to stand back a little and watch him try to
strangle himself with a tulip.
7. Do I have to show an interest in Tulips,
wooden shoes, windmills or cheese?
No that is not necessary.
Every Hollander knows that you came for the soft drugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes.
Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find.
Ask any Hollander age six or older or look at www.ignatzmice.com.
I'd like to point out that the windmills and wooden shoes
prove a desire for, or dependency on, tourism.
Natives in Holland put up with tourists, even welcome tourists,
but do not *need* tourists and will explain this at length.
8. Do you have any tips on visiting Hollandse
soccer games?
Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost.
Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains
of just about everyone else, including yours, after the game is won.
.Or lost....Or if it is a draw.
It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these
festivities.
9. Is the Hollandse police any good?
The police play an important role in the Hollandse social life
because they are used for throwing things at.
If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman.
No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit or maim
a policeman or kick him hard in the groin.
Police represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any
authority higher than himself.
You may also notice that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact
foreigners tricked into taking the job.
Police are also very good crime indicators, they can always be found in areas that have no- or very, very little- chance of having any crime.
10. Is it true that Hollanders don't like to spend money?
Definitely!
They'd sooner cut off their own ear than spend an extra cent.
A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something
for free.
(Note: Social diseases are an exception)
The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders
fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.
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11. Are Hollanders bothered by the small size of their country?
O no, not at all.
Indeed, Holland is very small.
There is even a rumor that Holland is put inside during rainstorms.
Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year.
(This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float.)
Hollanders are proud of their country.
They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation
has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.
12. How do I insult a Hollander?
If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you
will- simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist.
Now immediately start to run for your life!
He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace loving person and he
won't stop proving this until your intestines are scattered all over
the floor.
13. Are Hollanders really that tolerant?
No, they are not.
They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and
hard-drugs, Malaysian women, weapons and pornography to foreigners
to let a good opportunity for making huge profits go by.
14. How is the public transportation in
Holland?
Because of its small size, the main form of public transportation
in Holland is a bike.
Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock.
(An art learned by Hollandse children before the age of 3)
However, don't expect your own bike to be where you left it three
minutes earlier.
The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year.
Have fun.
15. What is this small vicious looking blade I find at every meal?
It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin
(the see-through kind) slices of the cheese.
Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Hollander.
Never try to cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool
of yourself.
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16. What is a "patatje met"?
Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in liters of mayonnaise
and put it in small paper bags.
This is called "een patatje met".
The best "patatje met" can be bought in Rotterdam at Bram Ladage.
(Tell them I sent you)
One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period.
Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living.
Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.
17. What is with these coffee shops I seem to come across in every street?
O dear..
There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
yourself in Holland:
Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino with appelpie.
Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee.
(actually, most do but they'd rather sell you something else)
You can get a good number of other stimulating things there.
18. What is a "Fries"?
A Fries (pronounced FREECE) is a semi-detached sort of Hollander,
living in the north of the country in a province all for himself.
A Fries is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that they are -indeed- not Fries.
The rest of the Hollanders look upon this behavior with the good
natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an obstinate child.
19. What books should I read about Holland?
None, this website is more than enough.
However I can recommend you take these books with you if you come to Holland: The complete works of William Shakespeare or a
leather-bound volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica
(the 1913 copy: Fr to He).
In my experience these two books have just about the right weight for
clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any
lasting scars.
After hitting you may want to drop the book you were carrying at
the moment for a more speedy retreat.
Note: Bring plenty of books.
20. Where can I hire a car?
Do not bother to hire one.
Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need but car-traffic
in Holland is not something you will enjoy.
In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or
kilometers, Hollandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.
As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth
a tourist visit.
The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite
uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature.
You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through open car windows.
The resulting fights are often worth watching.
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21. I'd like to take my mother-in-law to
Holland, can I?
Well...yes of course, but why would .. Ah, I see!
Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law
to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia.
Hollandse euthanasia laws may be the most liberal on earth but
tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own hands.
22. Please?
No!
23. Why are there so many churches in
Holland?
Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of
all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a
church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking.Kerken3_1
Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways
of life and religious convictions.
They are not.
The only reason for there being so many different churches, sects
and cults is the fact that Hollanders disagree on just about anything.
A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks
different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.
24. So, is Holland a republic or a monarchy?
Holland is a kingdom. (There is a difference there)
It has no king but a queen and her husband was no king but a prince.
The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not much anyway- but she
is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries.
She is also very decorative at state banquets.
Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops
erm.. queening.
The queens husband was not a king but a prince but the crown prince's wife will be a queen as soon as he is a king.
Their daughter however will be queen but her husband...o what the heck.
On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the
queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the queen's mother
(who used to be the queen).
Confused? Well, so are we.
25. How come there are so many famous
Hollandse painters?
The short answer is, because of the Hollandse polders.
Polders are boring places... very, very boring places.
They consist of lots of flat nothing with cows in it.
The only places to have a bit of fun is
(a) inside your own head (drugs) or
(b) on a bit of canvas with a nice nude model (painting).
Most Hollandse painters get to be famous only after they have died.
That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics point of view.
Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man has got
to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers.
The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are unable
to do anything about it.
In at least one case the frustration has led to self-mutilation
involving an ear.
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26. Is the Hollandse healthcare any good?
Do not get sick in Holland!
Over the last ten years, the famous Hollandse healthcare has been
privatized.
These days some operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting
list of more than six months.
The doctors don't think that is a problem because, they say, half
of the patient never even bother to show up after six months anyway.
Some Hollandse patients who have become desperate, move to a
country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is
infinitely better and waiting lists much shorter.
27. Is it o.k. to drink Hollandse tap water?
Yes, Hollandse tap water is completely safe to drink.
This is quite remarkable considering that most drinking water comes
from polluted rivers like the Rhine.
Plans to improve the quality of the river water, so that fish like
salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong
resistance from the Nederlanders.
They don't like the idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.
28. Should I worry about high crime-rates in
Holland?
No problems there, Holland has a very low crime index.
The reason for this is not that Hollanders are not as criminal as others but in Holland fewer things are considered a crime.
This not only generates interesting new forms of income but it also
saves on the workload of the police and our justice department.
The only crime that is severely punished is speeding in your car.
Exceeding the speed limit with only a few kilometers per hour is
good for a considerable speeding ticket.
29. Do Hollanders have nationalistic feelings?
Some do.
They will point out to you that Holland has finished second in
almost every war it has fought.
Further more, the Hollandse national football team has won more
medals for runner-up than any other nation.
Even if Hollanders failed to win more Olympic Gold Medals than any
other nation, they at least have the satisfaction of knowing they
supplied the drugs to the countries who did.
Which is enough to make one proud to be a Hollander.
30. Any words on the Hollandse cuisine?
Just one: RUN!
Hollandse cuisine consists mainly of some form of organic matter deep fried in any vegetable or mineral oil close at hand.
A "Hollands restaurant" is a 'contradictio in terminus'.
A good example of typical Hollandse cuisine is the "kroket".
(pronounced as "crow-cat)
It is shaped as the dropping of a now mercifully extinct kind of water buffalo, is crunchy on the outside and soft(ish) on the inside.
The taste is -strangely enough- quite nice and most foreigners will like the experience to a certain degree.
The kroket is known for its high mineral content even though the makers specifically insist in their own FAQ that this product
"does not contain any horsemeat".
31. What is "gedoogbeleid"?
The short answer is: The opposite of zero-tolerance policy.
But there is more to it.
In Holland the best known form of "gedoogbeleid" is the policy on soft drugs.
Possession of more than 5 grams of hasj or marihuana is forbidden by law but -get this- the police won't act against trade in these illegal substances as long as it is done inside a coffee shop.
There is a misconception that the Hollandse police do this because they are not capable enough to stop the trade.
Yeah...right.
Not so, there is one and only one very good reason for this gedoogbeleid:
Coffee shops pay taxes and illegal traders don't.
Again?
ok: Yes you read correctly, the coffee shops pay taxes.
And so, the coffee shop owners take care of business like illegal trade and unruly customers, the local shop owners get lots of income from tourists and the government gets loads of free money.
Now compare this to zero tolerance policy with lots of expensive prisons and look at the bright smiles on the faces of Hollanders.
Til hug og blod.
