10.1

“I should’ve been dead,” she repeated. “I was a failure. I didn’t turn out as perfect at age four as you probably did. I was weak and got sick a lot, mostly from my stomach not being able to handle the food properly. But I had rashes too, quite frequently. According to their protocol, if a kid is showing those kinds of symptoms, it should be eliminated from the pool.
      They want strong workers, not weaklings like I was. But because I didn’t break my bones or spent more hours in bed than walking, they decided to keep me. They saw potential in me and in trying to cure me. To make my genes healthier and stronger. I don’t remember all the details, too much science for me to understand.”
      “What do you mean? Did they cut you open or something?” Sergei asked horrified.
      “No, just a lot of tests and checking my vitals. I had to come in once a week at least to get my vitals checked and have a vial of my blood taken. Then they gave me special vitamins too. I don’t remember everything though, I vaguely remember machines and beds there as well, but I don’t know what they used those for,” Cass said casually.
      “Why do you act like it’s normal? You could’ve died! You could’ve been tormented for all that you know and they erased your mind right after or something, I don’t know.”
      “I can’t really remember it, so I just think it was more check-ups to give me medicine and vitamins and check on me when I was sick.” She shrugged.
      “But how does that make you feel?”
      “I don’t know.”
      “You don’t know an awful lot, do you? Just talk about it, it might make you feel better.”
      “Well, I’m kind of indifferent about it mostly. It happened. I can’t change it. I was just born imperfect in their eyes, but they thought I was salvageable – a piece of scrap metal they thought they could heat up and remould. Can’t really think of something else to compare it to. They just fixed me up and made sure I would pass as a normal worker in the end.
      They did keep me separated from the other kids. I played with some of the other weaker people, but they disappeared over the years I believe. They told me they were too sick and were sent away to a different place to recover and help on the inside of the facility.
      It was lonely though. Two of us made it through and were allowed to meet the other kids and go to class with them. It was nice to finally actually feel normal and to play with others, but they alienated us a bit. We were the weird kids. They whispered about us carrying viruses and diseases and tried to stay away from us if they didn’t have to sit next to us in a class or stand next to us for chores. Me and the other kid ended up doing a lot of chores and team-tasks together.”
      “Do you remember the kid?”
      “Not particularly, no. I remember it was a nice and kind boy, I think his name was Tristan?” Cass tried to come up with more details, but there was nothing. Even his name was shrouded in fog. It could’ve been Thomas or Tom as well, but she just couldn’t recall clearly.
      “And with how many kids did you start? Do you remember that?” He was clearly prying, trying to get her to remember something. Did he want to help or was it for his own gain?
      “I think around ten of my age? There were a few older kids as well, maybe five or six of varying ages. It’s all so hazy, I never had to think about it because I wasn’t allowed to tell people.” Cass released the grip on Sergei’s hands she had unconsciously held in a death grip. “I don’t know how to feel about that, we were told to just ignore feelings. It was better for us to not get emotional about the hundredth time we had a stomach-ache or when we had to come in for the fourth time that week to do our physical tests.”
      She stood up and started pacing around her room, her thoughts becoming a tangled mess, spiralling out of control.
      “Cass, come sit down with me,” Sergei calmly proposed, pointing at her chair. He added softly, “Please.”
      “They told me to hide my feelings,” she muttered bewildered, staring at her bed. “They said I had to forget about emotions, because it would make everything less painful.”
      She turned around to face a very concerned Sergei – who seemed ready to lunge towards her if she tried something stupid – and just looked at him blankly. With a shaking voice she continued, “They told me to turn it off. The doctors… the nurses… everyone just told me to not feel. To protect myself. But what good is it doing now?”