Feelings are ugly

Feelings are useless. They hurt. So much.
I tell myself I’m fine, that these feelings are fine, but I know they’re not. I can feel myself slowly slipping away, losing control. It’s as if I watch myself from the sidelines. I could step in and help at any time, but I don’t. I let myself drown.
I’m sure he doesn’t care. He never speaks a word to me, he’s busy with other things, at least that’s what I tell myself to feel better. Like I said; one day he’ll know. I’m just not sure what day.
The water once again begins to fill my lungs. I can’t breathe. And all I can see is his face. His beautiful, beautiful face. His eyes as blue as the water I’m chocking on. His mouth as beautiful as the coral that lies deep beneath the waves.
I reach out to myself, pull myself out of the water. Much too late, but I’ve survived.
Reach my hand above the water. Grab onto the air. I’ve saved myself again. But I’m not sure why.