I have no idea what’s gotten into me these past few days but I feel so utterly bad, helpless and lifeless and I fucking hate it. I’m starting to skip back into a place I haven’t seen for a long, long time and it terrifies me to find out that nothing has changed there. I want to cry almost constantly. I hate the way I look. I feel like my fiends don’t even care about the fact they see me or not. I question my job, the one fucking thing I spent six years of my life achieving and now I constantly wonder if this is what I want to do. But then again: what would I do otherwise? I’m lost. I’m utterly lost and screaming for help but no one hears a thing. Or they choose to ignore it. Either way: I’m not getting out of here alone. And I don’t want any help, either. Because it didn’t help before. At least, not for a longer period of time.
I want to feel good again. I want to laugh. I want a purpose. I want to go to work with a smile, not with my eye on the clock, hoping it will be five soon. I want to wake up feeling all rested, not like some half dead zombie, dreading the upcoming day. I want a home where I feel loved and cherished and wanted. And respected. I want someone who understands. Who understands me. The whole me. Not just the laughing, energetic, always up for stuff me.
I sound like a raging idiot, but I’m so so so tired of living a life that doesn’t make me happy. I’m so tired of working my way through each day just to end up the next day doing the exactly same thing.
I’m done. I’m tired. I’m empty. I’m just done. I need a good cry and a million hours of sleep, but even then I’d be done. I’m a frigging drama queen for even saying it. But I’m. Done. Fuck off, life. Just give me a teeny tiny break. Just one. To let me know that it’s going to get better. Okay?