We are friends for life, hold that deep inside. Let this be a drive to survive. And just stand high and tall. Make sure you give your all. And if you ever fall, know that I'm right here. We'll always be together, don't you worry. I'll always be by your side, don't you worry. The circle will never end, just know that we'll meet again. And we'll always be together, forever always. I am here. Find me in the sky. Destine with the moon and night. Your heartbeat is disguised as my lullaby. Be happy, and know I'm watching you travel far and wide. Waiting for us to meet again. We'll always be together, don't you worry. I'll always be by your side, don't you worry. The circle will never end, just know that we'll meet again. And we'll always be together, forever, always. I am here. If you need me, yeah, I'm in the wind, look for me friend, I'm in the stars. When you need me, the heaven will send, a message within, straight to your heart. We'll always be together, don't you worry. I'll always be by your side, don't you worry. Never worry 'bout a thing, no, no, no, no, no. The circle will never end, just know that we'll meet again. And we'll always be together, forever, always. I am here.
Je hoofdstukken zijn echt goed! Vooral die van SLwaC, dat stuk van 'Oh, Madison!' Loooolz.
Ik ga het deze week denk ik druk krijgen, dus ik moet even wanneer ik tijd heb om verder te gaab.
Aimlessly I skid to the guest room for one person. I feel so exhausted, and that might not be the only thing I feel. I climb on the bed and go lying on my back. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep, with no success. So many negative emotions stream through my body. Anger. Anger on myself because I did something stupid. Again. I was really a fool. When would I stop being a fool? Fear. Fear of losing you. Fear of losing myself. Fear of losing everything. Sadness. So much sadness is streaming through my entire body. It makes no sense to stop the tears, so I just let them fall. Fall on the soft matrass. And of course pain. Both inside as outside, I have so much pain. It makes me suffer to see you like that. And what I did with my body, comes out now. The head ache is destroying me and the bruises burn. It used to be a good feeling. But nothing is a good feeling when I miss you so badly. Even though you're in the same building, I miss you so freaking much.
"I'm not mad, Mike, I'm just... I'm just a bit shocked, you understand?" I said.
Mike hummed something as answer.
"I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't ask you this, it wasn't my intention to-"
"Niall, it is not your mistake," he interrupted me.
I nodded once and walked away. I couldn't handle it. The bomb of thoughts was explode in my head. I grabbed my hair and stared at Buzz and Woody. What could I do? I needed to think. I needed to think about all of this. I went upstairs, packed a suitcase and went to my car in the garage, when my leg reminded me that I couldn't drive in this situation, so I decided to walk.
It took three quarters for I finally arrived in my apartment. I let myself fall on my bed; thought about every single word Mike said. You might expect that the sentence 'it will never be gone forever' kept streaming through my head, and it was, but there was one sentence that got me thinking even more. 'I could block the voices out by thinking of Lindsey,' he had said. He could. Why couldn't I? Yes, thinking of Liam could help me out, but it didn't always. Mostly he was the cause of my panic attack. Just the simplest movement drove me crazy. If it was only biting already, my voices longed for more. I prepared for it then, so they couldn't do me anything. But everytime I forgot that I needed to be careful, and a simple word like 'blood' or 'pain' came along, I couldn't control myself anymore. Or if I see something sharp without knowing I was going to see it; that's just like hell. So therefor it wasn't smart to run away from there where it is save. Or... safer then. If I really wanted to hurt myself, I could walk to the drawer in the kitchen and pick a knife out. So why did I run to here? I didn't know. I needed to think I thought. That's what I was doing, but it drove me even more worthy. Liam's own words 'I'm not worth fight for'... I was almost convinced of them! Because if he was, then I could block my voices out by thinking of him, right? Mike gave me the confirmation. And the worst thing might be that I know now, that I have to fight forever. For the rest of my life. I didn't know if I could handle that. So before I would grab something sharp, I went out again, went to the first pub that came up into me. I would let myself go today. Forget about all this shit. And if this would lead me to a tragic end or even a fatal end, then it be so. Then life just wants me dead, well, okay. I thought I was ready for that now. What more could I lose beside my life? Yes, Liam... But I forgot if he was worth fighting for. I forgot my feelings for him. I forgot what I was actually fighting for. My eyes deceived me, didn't they? It wasn't true love, was it? Liam was right, wasn't he? Lindsey was right. No, my voices were right. I wasn't strong enough to protect my belovers, and most of all, I wasn't strong enough to face the truth. Because why else did I run away then? Why else did I never admit with my brains that I didn't love Liam? And even thinking of it, delivers me a stitch in my chest. Why? Why, heart, why are you lying to me? You should be the strongest part of me, as usual. Not my brains. That was my last thought before I reached the pub.
I texted some friends of me to come over, and they arrived now. I was happy to see them again. Even Justin was here. First it stayed by talking and a few drinks, but later the few drinks ended up in more and more, 'till I almost didn't know who I was anymore. The last thing I remembered, was that I was dancing with a few girls, who were dressed in a spaghetti top with the top-cut low and a really short skirt. I didn't feel a f*ck for them, but they distracted me pretty well.
That morning I woke up in a strange bed. Naked. I looked around. I had no idea how I came here. I stood up, grabbed my clothes from the ground and pulled them on. When I heard a baby crying, I knew it was wrong. Without watching in the mirror and saying goodbye, I went out and went back to my real house. For now. I forgot why I ran away. How I actually came out. But I didn't forget what Mike said to me. No, I didn't.
When I arrived back in my house, wavering and full of head ache. I went with the stairs, but at floor seven I lost my own control over my body again. I fell on the floor, and perhaps I fell asleep.
Now I'm lying on the coutch. Just woke up. Very vague, I can remember that Mike found me on the floor and lift me up to here. I open my eyes, go sit straight. I hear someone in the kitchen, so I bet it's Mike. My head ache became even worse, and my voices are enjoying it. Every single voice. I grabbed the mirror which was lying on the table. My hair sat by confused (ehm, ja, gt eh xd), I had two marks in my neck and I sat underneath the bruises. So many red and blue spots. And by my right wrist, and left arm, a cut. They seem to be of a dog, but I'm not sure. Maybe someone scratched me, maybe I did it myself with a knife. I don't know. I bet I don't wanna know. I smelled my breath, and it smelled full of alcohol. I wanted to stand up, but my balls protested. And that was the proof, that I also got a hit in the balls from something. Great, Niall. Great.
LlAM
Gastenboek (323)
Je hoofdstukken zijn echt goed! Vooral die van SLwaC, dat stuk van 'Oh, Madison!'
Loooolz.
1 decennium geledenIk ga het deze week denk ik druk krijgen, dus ik moet even wanneer ik tijd heb om verder te gaab.
xxx
Aimlessly I skid to the guest room for one person. I feel so exhausted, and that might not be the only thing I feel. I climb on the bed and go lying on my back. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep, with no success. So many negative emotions stream through my body. Anger. Anger on myself because I did something stupid. Again. I was really a fool. When would I stop being a fool? Fear. Fear of losing you. Fear of losing myself. Fear of losing everything. Sadness. So much sadness is streaming through my entire body. It makes no sense to stop the tears, so I just let them fall. Fall on the soft matrass. And of course pain. Both inside as outside, I have so much pain. It makes me suffer to see you like that. And what I did with my body, comes out now. The head ache is destroying me and the bruises burn. It used to be a good feeling. But nothing is a good feeling when I miss you so badly. Even though you're in the same building, I miss you so freaking much.
1 decennium geledenGoedemorgen btw!
1 decennium geledenIk wilde je ook net een berichtje sturen, maar je was me voor. ><
1 decennium geledenWacht hoor
xx
"I'm not mad, Mike, I'm just... I'm just a bit shocked, you understand?" I said.
1 decennium geledenMike hummed something as answer.
"I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't ask you this, it wasn't my intention to-"
"Niall, it is not your mistake," he interrupted me.
I nodded once and walked away. I couldn't handle it. The bomb of thoughts was explode in my head. I grabbed my hair and stared at Buzz and Woody. What could I do? I needed to think. I needed to think about all of this. I went upstairs, packed a suitcase and went to my car in the garage, when my leg reminded me that I couldn't drive in this situation, so I decided to walk.
It took three quarters for I finally arrived in my apartment. I let myself fall on my bed; thought about every single word Mike said. You might expect that the sentence 'it will never be gone forever' kept streaming through my head, and it was, but there was one sentence that got me thinking even more. 'I could block the voices out by thinking of Lindsey,' he had said. He could. Why couldn't I? Yes, thinking of Liam could help me out, but it didn't always. Mostly he was the cause of my panic attack. Just the simplest movement drove me crazy. If it was only biting already, my voices longed for more. I prepared for it then, so they couldn't do me anything. But everytime I forgot that I needed to be careful, and a simple word like 'blood' or 'pain' came along, I couldn't control myself anymore. Or if I see something sharp without knowing I was going to see it; that's just like hell. So therefor it wasn't smart to run away from there where it is save. Or... safer then. If I really wanted to hurt myself, I could walk to the drawer in the kitchen and pick a knife out. So why did I run to here? I didn't know. I needed to think I thought. That's what I was doing, but it drove me even more worthy. Liam's own words 'I'm not worth fight for'... I was almost convinced of them! Because if he was, then I could block my voices out by thinking of him, right? Mike gave me the confirmation. And the worst thing might be that I know now, that I have to fight forever. For the rest of my life. I didn't know if I could handle that. So before I would grab something sharp, I went out again, went to the first pub that came up into me. I would let myself go today. Forget about all this shit. And if this would lead me to a tragic end or even a fatal end, then it be so. Then life just wants me dead, well, okay. I thought I was ready for that now. What more could I lose beside my life? Yes, Liam... But I forgot if he was worth fighting for. I forgot my feelings for him. I forgot what I was actually fighting for. My eyes deceived me, didn't they? It wasn't true love, was it? Liam was right, wasn't he? Lindsey was right. No, my voices were right. I wasn't strong enough to protect my belovers, and most of all, I wasn't strong enough to face the truth. Because why else did I run away then? Why else did I never admit with my brains that I didn't love Liam? And even thinking of it, delivers me a stitch in my chest. Why? Why, heart, why are you lying to me? You should be the strongest part of me, as usual. Not my brains. That was my last thought before I reached the pub.
I texted some friends of me to come over, and they arrived now. I was happy to see them again. Even Justin was here. First it stayed by talking and a few drinks, but later the few drinks ended up in more and more, 'till I almost didn't know who I was anymore. The last thing I remembered, was that I was dancing with a few girls, who were dressed in a spaghetti top with the top-cut low and a really short skirt. I didn't feel a f*ck for them, but they distracted me pretty well.
That morning I woke up in a strange bed. Naked. I looked around. I had no idea how I came here. I stood up, grabbed my clothes from the ground and pulled them on. When I heard a baby crying, I knew it was wrong. Without watching in the mirror and saying goodbye, I went out and went back to my real house. For now. I forgot why I ran away. How I actually came out. But I didn't forget what Mike said to me. No, I didn't.
When I arrived back in my house, wavering and full of head ache. I went with the stairs, but at floor seven I lost my own control over my body again. I fell on the floor, and perhaps I fell asleep.
Now I'm lying on the coutch. Just woke up. Very vague, I can remember that Mike found me on the floor and lift me up to here. I open my eyes, go sit straight. I hear someone in the kitchen, so I bet it's Mike. My head ache became even worse, and my voices are enjoying it. Every single voice. I grabbed the mirror which was lying on the table. My hair sat by confused (ehm, ja, gt eh xd), I had two marks in my neck and I sat underneath the bruises. So many red and blue spots. And by my right wrist, and left arm, a cut. They seem to be of a dog, but I'm not sure. Maybe someone scratched me, maybe I did it myself with a knife. I don't know. I bet I don't wanna know. I smelled my breath, and it smelled full of alcohol. I wanted to stand up, but my balls protested. And that was the proof, that I also got a hit in the balls from something. Great, Niall. Great.