1. Guts- All Time Low

It was just five weeks after Tobias Hankel. Five weeks since I came back, three weeks after I returned to work. To be honest, I wasn't alright, no matter what I told the team. At night, memories returned. Memories from when I was a child, but most of all memories from Hankel. It didn’t matter what I tried, I couldn’t stop them. I could feel Tobias/Rafael kicking me again, jamming needles in my arm, I could hear him forcing to choose between innocent people again.
Somewhere, I don’t know when, I decided to stay awake. I could function without sleep. I hoped that I could, anyway. It worked, staying awake, I mean. Okay, I fell asleep on the jet more often, but the team was there. They’d wake me up, worry over me, and I’d shrug them off. But when I was at home, all alone, I wouldn’t sleep anymore. My thoughts would wander around at night, what if I’d stop working? What if I’d actually go to the psychologist Hotch recommend? What if I’d take the drugs in my bag?
It was a night in may I made a decision. I’d do it.



‘Spence? Are you okay?’ Garcia’s voice woke me up from my thoughts.
‘What? Oh- yes, I am just fine,’ I said, as I weakly smiled, and rubbed my eyes. She wasn’t convinced. Of course she wasn’t.
‘You sure? You seem tired,’ she said, turning away from her computers to face me. I nodded.
‘Yeah, don’t worry.’ It was a lie. Everything was a lie. It was like I couldn’t tell the truth anymore, they wouldn’t understand it anyway.
‘Uh, I’ll be right back,’ I told the eccentric woman, before I disappeared into the man rooms.

Yesterday exactly a week ago, a voice started to talk to me. A voice in my head. It had told me to take the drugs, that it’d solve everything. So I did. And now, I needed it again.

Take it, now, the voice said. I took the small drug bottles out of my pocket with shaking hands. I still found it scary to do it, but I could do it. I wasn’t afraid, I tried to convince myself.
My hands were still shaking as I took the drugs, and a tension immediately escaped my body. I sighed, sank down onto the toilet seat. See, it’s all gone, the voice said.

‘Anybody seen Reid?’ Morgan asked, wondering where the genius could possibly be.
‘I’m right here,’ I said, walking in. I crashed into a c hair, refusing to look anybody in the eye. ‘So, what’s the case?’ I asked, picking up a file and flipping the page.

This kind of scenes began to happen more often, since I started to take the drugs daily. I didn’t thought anybody noticed, until Morgan came up to me, after a bad case. I was in the small kitchen, my hands leaning on the counter. My eyes were closed, I was trying to get my breathing back to steady, to get the dizziness away. I needed my drugs. Now. But of course, somebody had to come by just then.
‘Kid, you’re not okay,’ Morgan simply said, and laid his hand down on my shoulder. I quickly shrugged it off, a bit startled by the sudden touch. I didn’t like it when people touched me.
‘I am okay,’ I lied, not wanting to talk to Morgan. He sighed.
‘Reid, I know you longer than today, and I can see something’s going on. Has it something to do with Hankel?’ he guessed, and I flinched a bit at the name. I bit my lip, and I couldn’t help but give in, ignoring the voice yelling I had to take the drugs now.
‘Yes,’ I whispered, hoping he wouldn’t hear it. Morgan said nothing, just looked at me- and I told him everything. I just blurted everything out, about the drugs, the sleepless nights, that I thought about quitting the job… Everything. Not about the voice, though.



Safe to say, Morgan took me straight to Hotch. I was quiet for once, not wanting to talk to Hotch. He was kind of scary sometimes. Morgan talked to him instead, letting me sit and stare at the walls.
‘Reid, why?’ was all my boss whispered. I couldn’t do anything but tell the truth. For once, I didn’t lie. For once I broke my reputation of being the guy who knows everything.
‘I don’t know,’ I whispered, ‘I just really don’t know.’



It all went downhill from then on. Telling Morgan might’ve been a very bad thing. The Voice punished me for it, letting me take more drugs than usual. I passed out for two days, and found the whole team worried when I got back. The whole team began following me everywhere, to “make sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid.’’ I couldn’t even go to the bathroom anymore. They forced me to see a doctor, a psychologist, to find help for my problems. JJ made sure I’d go, she simply accompanied me to every appointment I had.
It drove me even closer to the edge. Of course, it’s nice to know that there are people out there who care about you, but this came way too close to stalking.

One night I managed to get away. I had sunk into a deep depression nobody could’ve stopped. I only came to work when they forced me, would do everything on automatic pilot. The Voice now was talking to me all the time, telling I did everything wrong.
But that night I decided to go to California. The Voice had told me it was a good idea, so now I was in the car, driving way too fast. I didn’t care.
There was a classic song on the radio, with a tick-tack noise throughout it, giving the rhythm. Tap along, the Voice said, so I did.
It felt good, you know, getting away from everything. I was old enough to do what I want, and if it didn’t work out, I could live with it. I would just lock myself up in a library and read all the books in the world.
That sounded like peace.
Peace is a lie the Voice told me, with anger in it.
No library, than.

I didn’t pay attention to the road so much anymore, I looked around the landscape. I had thought about ending it a lot, lately. I could do it right now too. As I looked around, so many opportunities came to my mind.
I could drive off that cliff. Tap. I could crash into that truck standing still there. Tap. I could stop on that train track and wait for the train. Tap. I could do so many things and leave.
And if you have the guts, you’d do it. I demand you do it, the voice said.



I stopped at the Golden Gate Bridge. I’ve always liked this place, I don’t know why.
For a while, I just stood there at the edge, hoping the sky would crash down. I closed my eyes, felt the wind blowing in my face. I stepped over the fence of the bridge. I heard a woman yelling at me, but I ignored her. I opened my eyes once more, looking up at the sky. It was the last time I’d ever see it, I thought, and then I’ll be there. I turned my head down, looking at the water under me, and I made a decision. This would be my solution. It was the only one. I would be with God after, if my mother was right.
Mum.
I’d miss her, for sure.
Stop whining and jump, the Voice yelled at me, Now, I flinched. I closed my eyes, breathed in and I let go.



A dead silence fell in the lab, as Hotch told them the news about Reid. JJ sank down in a chair, Garcia stared at Hotch. Morgan wrapped his arms around her, and tried to hide his tears. Prentiss let her tears flow, not ashamed of them, and asked the question nobody dared to ask. ‘Is.. Is he dead?’ Aaron Hotchner made eyecontact with her, his face emotionless as usual, and said: ‘No. Not yet.’



I blinked my eyes. Where was I? I lifted my head, letting it fall back immediately since it just felt too heavy.
This was not heaven. I was not dead. This was a hospital.
Oh.
Slightly disappointed I wanted to close my eyes again, but before I could I felt two warm arms around me, and I smelled a familiar perfume. Garcia.
‘Spence!’ she shrieked, ‘Thank God!’
Push her away. Ah, the voice was not dead either. And who was I to obey it? It was like my brain stopped working, and even though I have an IQ of 186, I couldn’t think for myself anymore.
I pushed her away.
‘Why did you jump?’ Morgan asked. I only noticed him now.
‘I was told to,’ I simply said.
‘Who told you?’ Morgan asked, probably already making up a plan to catch that “bastard.’’
‘I did, the Voice did,’ I whispered.
‘The Voice?’ Penolope Garcia asked, ‘A voice… In your head?’ I nodded.
‘Yes,’ I said, looking at my sheets, playing with my fingers, ‘It said it would be better. All I ahd to do was let go, and you would do the same. You would let me go.’ They became silent, I could feel their eyes staring at me.
‘It wouldn’t be better, Spencer,’ Morgan said softly, ‘’ You were out for two weeks, we were worried sick. Your body fought for you to live, now you need to do the same.’
They’re wrong! the voice said, They don’t care! They don’t know you like I do!
‘Shut up,’ I whispered, ‘Just… Shut up!’ I buried my face in my hands, trying to shut the voice up.
‘Spencer?’ Morgan’s hand was on my shoulder again. I looked up, my eyes filled with tears I hadn’t even noticed myself.
‘If I’m going down again, let me go,’ I whispered, ‘Please.’ A harsh expression appearee on Morgan’s face, Garcia let out a sob.
‘No,’ she said, ‘We won’t, we’ll get you up again.’ Her arms were around me once again, but this time, I didn’t push them away.



Morgan and Garcia kept their word: they helped me trough it, saving me more than once. The Voice still accompanied me, even though it wasn’t there all the time, only when I had a breakdown, when I longed for the drugs. But when it was there, I knew I could go to Morgan, Garcia, JJ, even Hotch would be there for me.
I quickly became the smart guy again, after rehab, after so many sessions at the psychologist that I lost the count. I started solving cases again.
It would be okay, I realized, I had friends who would never leave me, I could tell them everything.
It took a while, but I grew older, I buried Hankel and all the things about him in the back of my mind.