Kurt Hummel.

Season 1

Mercedes: This song is terrible.
Mr. Schuester: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it.
Kurt: No, it's the song. It's really gay.


Rachel: we're gonna give them what they want.
Kurt: Blood?

One day you will all work for me

Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion

My dad bought it for me when he made me promise to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. [camera shows he is wearing one] What he doesn't know won't hurt him.




My body is like a rum chocolate souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.


Mercedes: You are NOT gonna slushie on my man Kurt.
Rachel: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.
Finn: No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!
Kurt: Well we can't have that, can we? [grabs the slushie from Finn]
Finn: What are you doing?
Kurt: It's called taking one for the team. [Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses]
Kurt: Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you.

We all know I'm more popular than Rachel.. and I dress better than her.

Girls, they’re your problem. They’re up, they’re down. Girls.


You need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you, especially this one which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.


Will: (While drawing a stick figure on the board.) Hello. (Turns around to face the students.) Hello?
New Directions Members: (Scattered and in different tones.) Hello.
Will: What do you guys say when you answer the phone?
Mercedes: What up?
Artie: Who 'dis be?
Kurt: No she's dead, this is her son.





Mercedes is black. I'm gay. We make culture.


Kurt: (about Tina's Lady Gaga costume) You look like you should be in orbit.
Tina: My balls keep falling off.
Kurt: I've been there.


Season 2


Mercedes: Is that a men's sweater? (The sweater in question clearly is not.)
Kurt: Fashion knows no gender

Thank you Mercedes. Your voice is stunning but I don't believe in God... You've all professed your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God is kind of a jerk, isn’t he? I mean, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around telling me it’s something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don’t want a heavenly father, I want my real one back.


Rachel: Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about.
Kurt: Please, not another pregnancy.

Kurt: Hey, You! I am talking you!
Dave: Girl's locker room is next door.
Kurt: What is your problem?
Dave: 'Scuse me?
Kurt: What are you so scared of?
Dave: Besides you sneaking in hear to peak at my junk?
Kurt: Oh yea every straight guys nightmare that all us gays are out to secretly out to molest and convert you. Well guess what hamhock. You're not my type!
Dave: That right?
Kurt: Yea. I don't date chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they are 30.
Dave: (holds up fist) Do not push me Hummel.
Kurt: You gonna hit me? Do it.
Dave: (angrier) Don't push me!
Kurt: Hit me cause it's not gonna change the way I am. You can't punch the gay out of me more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Dave: GET OUTTA MY FACE!
Kurt: You are nothing but a little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
(Dave Kisses Kurt) (Dave attempts to Kiss Kurt again and is pushed away)
Dave: UGH! (Dave leaves, leaving Kurt shocked.)


Kurt: How come you were never this nice to me before?
Rachel: You were my only REAL competition.
Kurt: (smiles) True, true.

Blaine: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt: It's delicious.


Season 3

Go with God, Satan... Santana.

Finn: What happens when the Pope dies?
Kurt: Heaven, you'd think.



Kurt: I don't like you.
Sebastian: Fun... I don't like you either.
Kurt: I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you.
Sebastian: Let's get a few things straight, Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke, and one of us has a hard luck case of the 'Gay Face' and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face.
Kurt: You smell like Cr