Prepared To Die -1-

When I come home from school, close to tears, I smell the scent of alcohol in my house. I immediately know what that means. I might only be 15 years old, but I know that I shouldn't get to close to dad when he is drunk. When I was even younger, I think 6 or 7, I came home from school and ran straight into my dad's arms. I didn't know what the disgusting smell that scented the area around him meant, yet. I cried that the other girls at school were very mean, because they all thought my hair had a weird colour. At that moment I discovered how dad really was. He grabbed hands full of my hair and lifted me from the ground. I yelled that it hurt, and he tossed me aside. My back hit the wall, and I couldn't walk for 3 weeks.

I know better now. I want to walk straight to my room, but the door to the living room, where dad is, is between me and the stairs. I walk slowly, on my tip-toes, past the door, hoping he won't hear or see me. But, as always, it doesn't work. 'Moriko, where are you going..?' 'I'm going to my room, I have a lot of homework for tomorrow...' I can see dad is trying to focus his cloudy eyes on me. ‘Yeah, sure... -hiccup- You always use that excuse... Just go then, if you don't want to see me. Go live somewhere else... Then I won't have such a burden anymore either...' He doesn't stop muttering, but I run away, up the stairs, towards my room. I can't bear listening to the things dad says everyday. He always says things like he hates me, he wants me to leave, that I'm only a burden... those kind of things. It always makes me feel like I’m not wanted, not loved, by anyone. At school everyone hates me, just because my hair is a weird colour… It’s blue. My mom is not longer with us… and sometimes I feel like that’s my fault. She died when she gave birth to me. After that dad started to drink… up until now.