37. It’s not that deep

“Bill..” I stammer.
“It’s okay,” he starts, not letting me finish. “We’ll make it work.”
“I haven’t made up my mind.” I say.

“We’ll talk later okay? I have to go.”
I nod. “Okay, later.”

I hang up the phone, walking back into the kitchen where Brenda is waiting for me.
“Thanks for that.” I sigh.
She shakes her head. “Wes offered you a job?”

“He did.” I say.
“Why? He basically got you fired. Remember?”
“First of all, he didn't really get me fired. Second of all, I didn't take the job. I said I'd think about it. It's an assistant job at the hospital."

She rolls her eyes. “He’s manipulating you.”
“He is not manipulating me.” I defend him. “All he did is offer me a job.”

“Did Bill ask you to brief him about me?” I look at her.
“No, he did not.”
“Then why did you call him?” I ask.
“Like I said, I don’t trust him.”

“He isn’t as bad as you think he is. He’s a great doctor.”
“I’m sure he is.” She says sarcastically.
Now I’m the one rolling my eyes.

I stop talking. Thinking about the job offer. It does sound very appealing, I have to say.

“You’re going to take the job, aren’t you?” Brenda asks, crossing her arms again.
“I don’t know.”
“I can see it on your face.”
“I told you I don’t know!” I snap. “Can you all just leave me alone? It’s hard enough as it is.”

Brenda studies me for a long moment.
"You really don't know, huh?"
I shake my head. "No."
She sighs, pulling out the chair across from me and sitting down. "You know what I think?"
I smile tiredly. "You'll tell me even if I say no."

“You’re making this job offer bigger than it is.” She says. “Whether you take the job or not, doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.” She sighs.

"You think deciding about this job is deciding where you'll live. Which means deciding what happens with Bill. Which means deciding what kind of parents you'll be. Which somehow also means deciding whether leaving Wesley was the right thing to do."

I stare at her.
"That's..." I let out a breath. "That's exactly what it feels like."
"But it isn't."
I look at her.
"It's just a job."
"It doesn't feel like just a job."

"Of course it doesn't.” she says gently.
I drum my fingers against the table.
"I don't miss Wesley."
"I know."
"But..."
"You miss certainty." She finishes my sentence.

I hate that she's right. With Wes, my future had always seemed mapped out.
We'd both work at the hospital. We'd buy a house eventually, start a family. Everything was easy, simple…

With Bill, everything is difficult. With Bill, everything is complicated, unpredictable, intense. But also exciting. The moments we have it good, it’s not just good, it’s amazing. With Wes, everything was basic. Just… average.

Now we’re having a baby, trying to figure out a relationship that neither of us seemed brave enough to define.

That evening, Bill calls like he promised.
This time, we don't talk about the job.
Instead he tells me about the studio. About a joke Tom made. About how everything seems to go faster than they planned.

I laugh softly.
For a few minutes, everything feels normal.

"Evi?"
"Hm?"
"I wish you were here," he says so quietly I almost don't hear it.
“I miss you.” I answer.
“I miss you too.”

"I don't know what we're doing," I admit.
"I know."
"I don't know where we'll live."
"I know."
"I don't even know what we're calling... this."
"I know that too."
"So why are you still here?"

His answer comes without hesitation.
"Because I'm not confused about wanting you."
My breath catches.
"I've been confused about how to make this work." His voice softens. "I've never been confused about you."

I press my lips together, suddenly unable to speak.
"Evi?"
"I'm here."
“I wish I could touch you right now.” He leans into the screen. And I close my eyes.
“I wanna feel you, smell you, kiss you.”
I can almost feel his lips on mine.

I open my eyes again.

Bill is still looking at me through the screen, his expression softer than I've ever seen it.
"I hate this," he admits.
"The distance?"
He nods.
"I hate that I can't just get on a plane whenever I miss you."
A small smile finds my lips.

"I mean it," he says. "If I could, I'd be there tonight."
"I know."

For a while, neither of us says anything.
We just look at each other.
It's strange how comforting silence can be with the right person.

"You've been rubbing your back all evening," he suddenly says.
I blink. “I have?"
"You have."

I hadn't even noticed.
"It's just been aching a little."
"Is it bad?"
I shake my head. "No. Just... one of those pregnancy things, I guess."

His eyebrows pull together with concern.
"I wish I could help."
"You already are."
"How?"
"You noticed."

His expression softens again.
"I want to be there for all of it."
The words settle somewhere deep inside me.
"The good days. The bad days. The sleepless nights. The doctor's appointments." He smiles faintly.

A comfortable silence settles over us again.
Then, almost absentmindedly, I whisper,
"I love you."
"I love you too," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "More than I've managed to tell you.”