Prologue

16 May 2006



The sky was dark, it was already around midnight. I didn’t know what time it was, I had lost track of it long ago. The moon was full and the sky was filled with thousands of stars shining bright with all their glory. It was cold, the wind was picking up with every second that passed. The streets were empty except for the fog that was making the streets foggy. The ground was wet, it had rained earlier. There was no sound except for my slow footsteps. It was so silent that I could hear my own heart beating. Buddum. Buddum. Buddum. My eyes were blurry from the tears that were falling down. My throat was sore and my body was weak and tired. The muscles from my legs ached and craved to have a break. But the pain I was feeling physically was no concretion to the pain I felt in my broken heart. My heart that was so broken, that it was impossible for me to fix it. The pieces were too far away from my reach. I had lost the love of my life, I was heartbroken. I had lost everything. My family, my friend, my home… The wind hit my skin like knives. I shivered from the coldness, I wasn’t wearing enough clothes to protect me from this cruel weather. I looked around me, I was surrounded by trees on either side of the road. I didn’t know where I was. The last thing I remembered was drinking my sorrows in a bar. My head hurt every time I tried to remember what happened after that. My legs hurt really bad, I stopped walking and felt them give up on me. I fell on the ground, on my knees. They hurt but I could handle that. My pants became wet from the ground but I was already so cold that my body was starting to feel numb. But my heart wasn’t, my heart was still aching. And it always would, it would never stop. I felt the tears run down my cheeks and to my neck. My vision became really blurry so I closed my eyes. And I then I saw him. His beautiful green eyes that made me think of spring. His crooked nose from being punched on the face too many times. His gorgeous smile and his pearly white teeth. His adorably freckles from being too much exposed on the san. His skin that looked like it was kissed from the sun. His short light brown hair that looked dark blonde when the sun shone. His hands that used to hold mine. Those hands that held me tight when I was falling down. I remembered all those times that we had spent together. When I was scared of the dark, he held me tight and made me smile with his goofy jokes. He’s not even goofy, but he was to make me smile. And I saw him. Standing there and smiling at me. Saying my name, saying that he loves me. But then I felt a cold chill run through my spine. I opened my eyes and met the cruel reality. He wasn’t there. He’s not here anymore. He won’t be here to protect me from when the darkness comes. My heart broke all over again as it sank down that I really was alone this time. And he wouldn’t come back anymore. Not like before. I forced myself to stand up and walk farther. I felt lost and alone. I didn’t have anyone I could turn to. It seemed so scary and painful to knowledge the fact that I didn’t have him anymore. Without him I felt empty, as if a place in my heart is missing. And it is. He is missing. And will always be missing. I took a few more steps and then stopped. I saw the bridge where they died. My family died there from the car crash. I felt a lump form in my throat. I felt so much pain and despair. It was too much for me to handle alone. And I fell down and screamed in agony. In despair, loneliness and betrayal. My screams echoed around me even when I stopped screaming I could still hear myself. I looked at the bridge. Beneath it there was a really deep lake. I walked over to the place where they fell and drowned. The water was splashing wildly, the wind was really strong. I looked at the moon and felt the air blow my hair behind me. I looked back at the lake and thoughts of suicide managed to creep again in my head. I thought of all those people I love. I saw their faces and I knew that they wouldn’t want me to do that. But I had no choice, it was too much. I closed my eyes and took a step and another until I was at the edge. I opened my eyes and looked at the water. I would drown there, the wind was pushing the water really hard. Too hard for me to survive. With me being weak and not such a good swimmer, I’ll die. Strangely enough I didn’t feel fear, I didn’t fear death. I welcomed it. I closed my eyes and let my body fall. The wind was like knives hitting my whole body. But it felt good, I felt free. And then I felt the water hit me. I wasn’t falling anymore. I opened my eyes, I was under water. It was beautiful and cold. I let the cold water make my body numb. I felt as if all my power and energy was completely drained. I needed more oxygen but I didn’t even try to get some. I was getting sleepy and darkness was slowly consuming me. These were my last moments of life and I didn’t want to die miserable. I thought of the good times I had with Adam. When I first met him, it was at a party. Our first date under the stars. Our first kiss outside while it rained. But there were also so many bad times… I tried to think of those good times. Like that time, when it was just the two of us… His arms around me holding me and protecting me, his lips that whispered sweet comforting words to my ear, his eyes which held a burning gaze whenever he looked at me and his melodic voice that laughed so beautifully. My lips curled up in a small smile and I closed my eyes, letting the darkness take me away…