A letter to Annemarieke (ENGELS)

Dear Annemarieke,

I know I was stupid. Stupid to let you go. I thought you would go our own way. But you didn’t. I was your best friend since we were born. Suddenly Siyana came into my live. I thought she was a better friend. She was a good friend, but you were too. Then the holidays started and I went with Siyana to the Bahamas. I just let you go. That was totally not the thing I wanted. I could say sorry for a thousand times. But that wouldn’t help.

You were always right to me. Always saying: ‘Sandra, just live your life grateful without hurting somebody and just do what your heart says you to do, go your own way’. It didn’t listen to you. I did hurt someone. I hurted you. But I did what my heart told me to do. I went on holidays with Siyana and met someone I really loved. I hope you did that too.

I really want you to live like everyone is saying. Just live your live like you want. Live like God wants you to live. I know I promised you to write you and I would e-mail you. But I didn’t. You did, you thought about me, and that was something I really liked about you. You always did what you promised to somebody. That was wonderful. Now I really miss you at the moment. I almost need to cry. I don’t want to cry, I need to stay strong.

I wrote something for you, this letter, yes, but I wrote a song about our friendship of years ago. Years before Siyana was there. I sing that I really think about our high school years. When we were together at school. It was a -damn- nice time. Until Siyana came in. But if you would really know Siyana you would think she is nice. Really.

Don’t stay silent for a while. We need to go on. Our life is still there. My heart was broken, and now it’s healed. Do you know what I mean? I want you to know that I still miss you and still love you as a really good and brave friend. You knew I wanted to be free, you knew I wanted to move to America. I did everything I wanted to do. But I stayed there in America and I don’t want to come back to Holland again.

I need to stop my letter right now. I’d like it if you would write me back if you really want peace with me. If you don’t want to know me no more, just don’t write back. But I still want you to know I really miss you. I am changed. Changed to a person I want to be and I want to stay. Someone who is changed in the outside but in the inside too. I just changed to another person, who were I? I was nobody. Now I am somebody. Somebody, who is loved by someone.

Hope I will speak to you once again..

Sandra Jonas