Doubts

'Well you can't run from your past!' Dean screamed at Castiel. Castiel kept silent, no expression on his face, which only made Dean angrier. 'You're not going to say anything? You are no use to us anymore, you're just a stupid baby in a trenchcoat.' Dean said. Castiel looked away, still not saying anything. 'Dean, I need you to-' he began after a while, but he couldn't finish 'cause the door slammed open and Sam walked in. The moment he saw Cas he balded his fists. 'Cas, what-' 'No, wait stop!' Dean yelled. He was too late, Cas was already gone. 'Son of a bitch.' Dean whispered with a broken voice. Sam grabbed two beers from the fridge and gave one to Dean. 'Thanks.' Dean said. 'What did he say?' Sam asked. 'Nothing. Completely nothing.' Dean lied. 'And what did you say?' Sam continued. 'A lot. Where's Garth?' Dean quickly changed the subject. Whatever Cas tried to say, he didn't want to talk about it. 'He went home, someone called him. Apperently it was importnant. He says bye.' Sam answered. 'I'm off to bed, it's been a long day.' Dean said as he walked to his bed. 'Yeah, me too.' Sam locked the door, closed the curtains and lied down on his bed. He fell asleep quick, but Dean didn't. He didn't sleep that night, thinking of what happened that day and about what Cas tried to ask him.

In the meanwhile Castiel was on his favourite spot along the water. There was an old stranded log under the trees next besides a small lake. He always came there when he was confused because of his feelings. He could sit there for days, looking at the water and thinking. A single tear dripped down his cheeks. Cas wiped it away suprised. He became angry. Angry at Dean, angry at Sam, even angry at Gabriel. But he felt most angry about himself. He wanted to explain them everything, tell them why he had to do it and beg them for forgiveness, But he knew he couldn't. He knew he couldn't tell them. He was jealous at Gabriel because he could do whatever he wanted to, say whatever he wanted to say. Gabriel didn't have all those rules to obey. Castiel really missed his four brothers. Especialy Gabriel and Balthazar. Of course he didn't miss Lucifer and Micheal much, but they were still his brothers. He felt so horrible about killing Balthazar. Not only about him, but about all the innocent angels who where dead because of him. Castiel let his mind wander on lost places for hours. This was how he thought about what he had done and what he should do. And when he was finished he should know what to do. But not his time, this time was different. He coulnd't relax, couldn't meditate and after a couple of hours he still didn't know what to do. A deep sigh escaped his mouth. He left his special place and teleported to the motel his friends were staying. They were both asleep. He looked at Deans face, not knowing Dean was awake. As silent only a supernatural creature could be he sat down on a chair and put his face in his hands. 'I'm sorry.' Cas whispered and a tear dripped down on the carpet. 'I'm sorry Dean, for everything. I can't. I need you to understand.' Cas whispered, still thinking Dean was asleep and could not hear what he was saying. 'He forced me.' were his last words before he left.