No concentration
I actually shouldn't be writing at this moment. I still have so much to do for school, but I just can't concentrate. Lots of stuff are running around in my head. I even don't know why the heck I'm writing in english, just felt like it I guess. I use it not often enough and I have to keep it up.
That is one of the good things in my head. This week I kinda decided to become an au pair in america after i finished with my study. Just like that. I started looking up how to become one and the more I read about it, the more I got excited to just do it. It would be so cool to experience the american way of life. I can even go to a school there to experience how the schools are working there and get another degree in I don't know what. I don't know what the options are, but it's cool to say 'he, I went to a school in America'. And also the positive side of going to a school there is that I will more easely find friends there. So I won't feel lonely. That is kinda the part that scares me the most. I have to leave my friends and family here for a year. That is a long time. I've never spend more time than 3 weeks away from home. But sooner or later I have to face that fear. And I won't let it hold me back from such an opertunity. I can go to america, make money, go to school there and do the thing I love. Take care of kids.
I've been doubting for weeks, months.. But I think I just have to go for it. It seems so awesome to experience that. And it's nice to have a goal again.
But now the negative stuff that is running trough my head. My best friend who's pregnant is in the hospital. Luckely she's much better now, but it almost went wrong with the kids.. They were just in time to fix her up again. That is why I had to visit her yesterday in the hospital. I went with here sister and another friend to see her. She really looked pretty good, but you could see that she was really tired and she still got extra 'water' pumped into her trough an infusion because she was dehydrated. But she had energy enough to just chat with us and we had fun.
At one moment I asked her if she wanted to teach me how to take care of a baby. And I didn't got a reaction I expected. She said kinda mean: like you don't know how to. [dutch: 'dat weet je toch wel']. For her it's normal to know, but I think she sometimes forget that I didn't have any little kids in my family or whatever. I know it shouldn't botter me, because I know who said it and that she didn't ment it like I interprated it. But it does botter me, I don't even know why.
Maybe because lately i've been getting afraid of losing her. She is my best friend in the whole world and our history goes back 16 years. We started being friends at 4 years old. And we still are, we even survived a huge fight in wich we both didn't talk to eachother for like 2 years. She was always a few steps ahaid of me. She moved in with her current boyfriend when she was 17. She grew up really fast. But last we had a talk about when we were little. And so many things I just missed. Sometimes it was like I didn't even knew her while I was her best friend!
And also it feels like she is my best friend, but that I'm not hers. I don't know, but I guess I'm just scared. Yesterday I planned on telling her so she could tell me herself that I'm being foolish. But then I heard she was in the hospital. Well that's just not the right spot to do such a thing. There it should be about her and her baby's and not about my puberal fears. Sometimes I feel such a little kid around her. Just because she looks grown up, and I'm not even close at growing up. I still live at my parents house, I'm studying, being foolish with friends, nag about little crushes, that kind off stuff.
I'm trying so hard to shut myself up, because I know that I'm talking bulshit. But it keep on running and running and running in my head...
I hope she'll be out of the hospital soon, and I can have some quality time with her. Something I haven't had in a while. Every time I had to do stuff or there was somebody else also there.
Okey now i'm really going to shut up, I have to get some school work done! I actually kinda have to finish today...
I'm such a good student.. I'm redoing my year, already had some of the assignment done and still I'm not done in time... yay
Okey, stop whining and go do something
byebye
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