Dad, the pain needs to go away

It’s Sunday today
and I used to wake up
to cycle along while you went for a run.
It hurts to wake up on Sundays since you left.

I don’t want to remember how warm and big and comforting
your body was when I sat on your lap when I cried.
I don’t want to think about the nights when I couldn’t sleep
and watched tv with you until I dozed off against your shoulder.
I don’t want to hear your footsteps
on the stairs when you’re not there anymore.
I don’t want the pain of realisation of how you once understood me
but now you’re a total stranger to me.
And I don’t want to see your face every time
I lay in bed and close my eyes.

I want the doubts and guilt to go away because I can’t
go on any longer thinking I wasn’t what you wanted,
thinking I was never good enough.
Not even for you.

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