A life of pain
A life of pain
The pain that is always there
The one thing I know that will be there in the morning when I wake up
Pain does more to a human than most people can imagine
The one I was is almost completely gone
Although I do think that the one I am now is the real me
But the pain can be deceiving and so even my thinking can be wrong
Because of the pain I can no longer enjoy nice moments in life
Fun and happiness will always be accompanied by more pain than usual
I am unsure about my future, work and lifestyle
I’m neglecting school and spent more and more time on my one
Not wanting to do a single thing than mindlessly reading or watching
There isn’t even an facking single moment where the pain is gone
A constant feeling of tiredness is also caused by the endless pain
I don’t even know how it is to not feel pain and it isn’t possible imagining it
In the flow of time the pain gets worse and so is the tiredness
That makes it harder for me to live with it
Painkillers won’t work, but getting heavier ones can be dangerous
With the pain there grows a darkness inside of my heart
Pain is of course not a pleasant feeling and is accompanied by bad emotions
Therefore I react more irritated and angry towards people
With that I do not only hurt myself but also the ones I hold dear
There is a scar on my heart that will never go away
A scar caused by pain and the experiences a had with it
My heart is chained because it is afraid to hope for healing
Also it is afraid of the future a future full of heavy pain
Afraid to not be able to live the life I want to in the future
Hurting the ones around me more and more
I think it is hard to imagine how it is to live with pain for so long
Because of that I think it can be hard for people
To understand why I say things the way I say and do things the way I do
I do not want to lose to this pain but that is a wrong mentality
This way of thinking makes that I am pushing myself to hard
Constantly not listening and wanting to continue
To help people instead of asking for help myself
Continuing with the things I want to do even though I actually can’t
Always feeling the pain I feel makes me try to ignore it
But then I do not longer recognise the signals when something is really wrong
And that is where it can get really nasty
I do not listen to my body anymore while pain is an important signal
Pain says something is wrong with your body
But always feeling it without real reasons makes the warning insignificant
All the therapy I got didn’t work and the pain continued to worsen
Doctors tried to suggest that the pain might be caused physiological
The answer I gave is that I live carefree and not weighted with anything besides the pain
But then I begin to doubt because different treatments keep failing in losing the pain
So almost the only explanation that is left can be that I am causing this pain mentally
Of course there are moments when I can live with the pain
More then there are moments that I can’t live with it
Each of those moment not being able to live with the pain count for ten
These moments are mostly during or after something fun that caused me more pain
This pain story is written in a moment of not being able to live with the pain
Trough this pain story you might be able to get a glimpse of my down moment
And also my live in constant pain
If only the pain can stay at a certain level then I can live with it
It begins to get harder if it goes on to worsen
The tiredness will get worse to and so does my lack of sleep
The pain keeps me from sleeping well
In the evening I have to wait till I am tired enough to fall asleep in a short while
That makes that my nights are getting shorter
Otherwise I can’t sleep because the pain gets worse with sleeping
With waiting to fall asleep the pain worsens and I won’t be able to sleep at all
Also in the mornings I am woken by the pain and sometimes also at night
This altogether makes that I keep on going in circles
I can’t break out of it, every day the same pain routine goes on and on
Driving me slowly towards insanity
Pain is not a simple feeling because everyone things it will be over within a certain time
That’s why people often say that I am making a bigger problem of it than it is
The pain I feel won’t be over in anytime soon and I am feeling it for about ten years
I always kept my calm to people saying such things
But there will come a time I can’t keep my calm
How can you know how it is to live the life I live?
Do not judge over people if you do not know their feelings and experiences
That is a sentence I learned from the pain
I learned more from my pain in a positive way so it is not all that bad
As I already said pain is the one thing I am sure of feeling
That gives a kind of comfort to my life
So I think it makes me a little afraid of losing the pain
Losing the pain means I will lose my sense of comfort
So somewhere in my head I do not want to lose this pain
This pain I came to know during me growing up
Those thoughts make the pain contradictive
Wanting to lose the pain but also not wanting to lose it
Till now the thought of wanting to lose the pain is stronger
But who knows how it will be in the future
I am also afraid that the pain will become pleasure
Because I feel more pain when having fun and stuff
The thing I want to say last is that pain can become the red line in your life
You can’t go around it and you have to live accordingly to the pain
If you want it or not you have to subdue to the pain
That gives a feeling of losing, losing to your one body
And that feels humiliating together with not being able to trust you body anymore
I wonder how long I will be able to live with this pain?
I hope this give people a hint of how a life lived in pain is like
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