2. Lonely night

Once Lily got home from the walk with Aden she ran up to her bedroom and startet crying. Her body was shaking and she could barely breathe. She tried to get up but she couldn't. Her legs didn't seem to function and her view was blurry. She hit the ground. She wanted to scream and shout but she didn't want anybody to find her like this. She felt like no one in the world would understand, so she didn't want anybody to see her, lying on the floor lost and alone. Crawling seemed like the only option left to reach the bathroom, so she startet crawling. ''I must look incredibly stupid and hopeless'', she thought. But this was the only possible way to move right now. Once she'd reached the bathroom she had to figure out a way to reach the cabin. She pulled herself up by leaning on the sink. Her legs were still shaking, just like the rest of her body. She got her pills out of the cabin and took a couple. After that she just let herself fall on the ground again. She fell asleep. After what seemed like a few minutes but were a few hours she woke up again. Her head was pounding. She heared someone knocking on the door. It was probably her mom telling her dinner was ready. But the last thing Lily wanted to do right now was eat. Lily stood up and said to her mother that she wasn't feeling well and would just go to sleep. Her mom wished her well and went downstairs again. Lily looked into the mirror. Her legs weren't shaking anymore and her view was less blurry. She pulled off her clothes. She was afraid to look into the mirror but did it anyway. When she saw herself she was overwhelmed by a feeling of disgust and self-loathing. She hated what she saw. She was fat and ugly and had bruises everywhere. How can Aden possibly love her when she can't even look at herself in the mirror? ''The only logical explination is that he's lying to me'', Lily thinks. She turns on the shower and turns the heat up until her flesh is practically on fire. She wants to rub her failure off. But after a few minutes she can no longer stand the heat and Lily steps out from underneath the shower. She grabs a towel and avoids looking in the mirror. She stumbles and falls again. Her knee is bleeding, but she doesn't mind. The pain doesn't seem hers and without paying anymore attention to her wounds she craws into her bed and falls asleep immediately. She has a nightmare and wakes up scared in the middle of the night. She dreamed that she was all alone in the dessert, with only sand to keep her company. While she sits up in her bed she tries to understand what her dream meant, it doesn't take very long for Lily to figure out that it was, once again, a dream about her loneliness. It's dark in Lilys room and she decides to go and drink a glass of water to calm herself down. She walks into the bathroom and forces herself to not look into the mirror while she pours herself a glass of water. She is too afraid of what she'll feel if she does look into the mirror. She rushes out off the bathroom and into her bed again. She is emotionally drained. And tired, tired of everything. Even tired of living. She imagines her funerall. ''No one will cry'', she thinks. Tears are streaming down her face. ''Why am I even born? I'm not of any use, just a stupid waste of space. I'm not talented, nor am I smart or pretty. There's nothing I can do right. Just why the hell am I alive?'', Lily whispers into the night. She bites her lip as an attent to stop the tears from falling but it doesn't help. Lately Lily has been lying awake crying almost every night. During the day she's able to fake a smile but once the doors are closed and no one is watching she loses her strength and just falls apart. She pushes her face into her pillow and stops fighting the tears. ''When God, when will it be my time to be happy again?'', she says while her pillow absorbs her tears. Once her tears are dried and her pillow is soaked she tries to fall asleep again. And she does, the stress and anxiety have made her so tired she is practically asleep before her head even touches her pillow.