31. Made up my mind

The next day, I show up at Evi’s house. I ring the doorbell, my heat pounding heavily in my chest.
The door opens and her face immediately twists.

“Can we talk? Please?” I beg.
She nods, slowly, and lets me in.

I follow her to the kitchen, my mind still trying to find the right words.
“Coffee?” she asks, while already pouring herself a cup. “I don’t think you should be dri—“ her head snaps in my direction, frustrated by what I was going to say. “Yes. Thanks.” I say quickly, trying to avoid another argument, another fight.

We both sit down at the kitchen table, both my hands clutching the cup in front of me.
“You wanted to talk?” She says when I stay quiet.

I nod. “Yes, I think we should talk about us, about the baby.”
“I have an appointment, tomorrow.” She says.

“With your gynaecologist?” I ask, hopeful.
“In the clinic… I’m not keeping this baby, Bill.”

My heart sinks and I grab her hands, firm but gentle. “Please, Evi, can we just talk about this?”

“There is nothing to talk about.” She says, shaking her head. I squeeze her hands more tightly. “Evi, look at me.” I say, my eyes pleading.

“Please.” I beg.

“You live in LA, I live here in Germany. You have the band, all the touring and travelling. Us not working out… you really wanna bring a baby into that?”

“I can make it work,” I say quickly, almost desperate. “I can figure something out. I’ll come back more often, I’ll—”

“Stop.” Her voice cuts through mine.

“You’ve said that before.” She pulls her hands away from mine, wrapping them around her coffee cup.

“You wouldn’t be happy here, and I wasn’t happy in L.A.”
I open my mouth to argue, but the words get stuck somewhere in my throat.

“I’m happy wherever you are. I’ll move back here.”

She shakes her head. “No Bill, I don’t want you too.”

I lean back in my chair. She won’t look at me, and I can’t stop looking at her. Her hair a little messy, tied up in a loose bun. She’s wearing a hoodie that’s at least 10 years old.

And even after everything… she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

I love her. I love her. I love her.

I hate myself for messing this up, but I still believe we can make this work. I believe that love can be enough… it has to be.

“I still love you,” I whisper.
“I love you too.” She says softly.

Her eyes finally meet mine. And I swear I can see it… that small flicker in her eyes.

“But sometimes that isn’t enough,” she says.

“But it is. It is enough. It has to be. We will make this work. I will make this work.” I rattle on, grabbing her hands.

“Bill,” she says, trying to pull her hands away but I grab them more tightly. “Please, Evi. Don’t go to the clinic tomorrow.”

“Bill,” her hands free from mine. “I made up my mind. I’m doing this.”

Without saying another word, she stands up, walking away from the kitchen table, into the living room.

I jump up, going after her. “Evi—” she stops abruptly, turning to face me. “Stop! Bill, just stop.”

I look at her, pleading, but her eyes speak without her actually saying the words. Nothing I say will make her change her mind.

I fight the tears. Nodding. “Okay, Uhm,” I swallow. “You want me to come with you?”

She looks at me surprised, but then shakes her head. “No.”

I nod. “Call me when you need something, anything. Okay?”

She nods. And I walk past her. I can’t stay here. I need some air, room to breathe.

The door closes behind me, my hands trembling. For a second, I just stand there.

My whole world just cracked in half, and the world keeps spinning, unnoticed.

I walk to the car. When I get inside, I don’t start it right away. I just sit there, staring at the steering wheel, breathing through the ache in my chest.
She’s really doing it. And there’s nothing I can do.



Evi:
The door closes and I just stare at it. I didn’t expect him to give up so easily. To just… accept this?

I hear laughter behind me and when I turn around I see Brenda and Nick in the kitchen.
“We’re home!” Nick yells.

I walk towards them, giving Brenda the look, frowning.

“I’m gonna pack,” Nick says while he walks past me, toward the hallway.

I turn back to Brenda. “So how was your talk with Bill?”

How does she know Bill was here? I think to myself. But I don’t wanna talk about it again, not right now. So I change the subject.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on between you two?”

“What do you mean?” She tries to hide it, but the smile she is trying so hard to suppress is visible.

“You really think I haven’t noticed? You giggle like a teenage girl when he is around.”

She rolls her eyes. “It doesn’t matter, he is leaving tomorrow anyway.”

I chuckle. “Funny, isn’t it? You like Nick, he moves to Belgium. I like Bill, he moves to L.A.”

“And you even moved to L.A. for him.” She continues. The smile on my face fades. “Yeah, didn’t really.. turn out that well.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I wish it had.” She says, giving me a compassionate smile.

“But, about.. you know what you’re gonna do?”

I sign, shaking my head. “No,”
I decided not to tell her. Not to tell anyone. The only person who has to know is Bill, and he knows. I don’t need anyone else’s opinion or advice. I made up my mind.. I think.

“Okay,” she says, probably sensing that I am done with this topic. “You wanna do something tomorrow? Some distraction will be good for you.”

Shit. I think to myself. “Uhm, I kind of wanna be alone tomorrow. Nick will leave early and it’s been a while since I had some me time.”

She look at me weirdly for a moment, her eyebrows lifting. “Okay.”

She drops it. And I am surprised. Brenda is usually the type of person to keep going. To make you say whatever you are not saying. But I’m glad she’s not doing that now.