18. Underwater

Evi:
Another day has passed, and once again, we drowned the night in alcohol.
Anything to distract me, to stop the thoughts of him from creeping in.

And it worked. For a few hours, I didn't think about him. Results? The worst hungover ever.

I run down the stairs, blinking against the light.

I walk into the kitchen, starting up the coffee machine and getting myself a glass of water.

I take some pain medication for the killing ache in my head and fill a big cup with black coffee.
I shuffle toward the living room, ready to collapse on the couch, when the doorbell rings.

I drag myself to the front door, swinging the door open without thinking.

Bill.

He's standing there, staring back at me, and I panic.

Without a word, I slam the door in his face. He can't see me like this.

A knock on the door. "Evi?"

I take a step back. I am not opening that door.

"Open the door please."

"What are you doing here?" I ask, my heart pounding in my chest.

"It's easier to talk without a door between us."

I bite my lower lip, staring at the door knob.

"Give me ten minutes." I say, and I run upstairs.

I fix myself as much as possible. Putting my hair in a bun, putting on a little bit of make up to make myself look more alive.

But there is no fixing those dark circles.

I look at myself in the mirror. My skin pale, lips dry, hair slightly greasy, my collarbone sticking out more then it used to.

I exhale. "Well, it's as good as it will get." I whisper to myself.

I walk down the stairs, standing in front of the door for a few more seconds before I open it.

When I see Bill, I smile, fixing my eyes on the ground as he walks inside.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, following him inside the living room.

My eyes fall on the two half empty wine glasses. I grab them, fast, and walk over to the kitchen. I put them in the sink and turn around. Still waiting for an answer.

I look at him. And when our eyes meet, it feels like my heart skips a beat.

"I have something for you." He says eventually.
"Turn around."

"Turn around?" I ask confused, my brows frowning just a little.

"Just turn around."

I look at him for a few seconds longer. Then I turn around.
I feel him stepping closer, goosebumps appearing across my whole body as his fingers touch my skin.

A chain lands on my collarbone and I look down, grabbing the pendant attached to it.

My mouth slightly opens as I realize, this looks exactly like the one he gave me years ago.

I turn the pendant, my eyes filling with tears as I see the word 'stay'.

This isn't a new necklace, it's our necklace.

I blink, a few times, untill the tears are gone.
Then I turn around. "You found it."

He nods. "It was in my hotel room."

"Thank you." I say softly.

"I bought you a new chain."

I nod, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “I love it, thank you."

"So, you just came here to give me the necklace?"

"Not really." He says, his voice gentle.

"I wanted to know if you are okay."

"Why wouldn't I be okay?"

He shrugs, his eyes roaming me.

“What?” I snap, crossing my arms. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He hesitates, then shakes his head. “You just… don’t look okay.”

"Whatever, Bill." I say, turning away from him, pouring myself another cup of coffee. "You want some?”

"Yeah, sure."

I grab an extra mug, fill it with coffee, and hand it to him.

He accepts the cup, glancing at the other cup in my hands. “You drink your coffee black now?”

I shrug, taking another sip. "Yes."

"Can we sit down? To talk?"

"Talk about what?" I ask, watching him sit down on one of the chairs already.

"About the fact that you lost your job for example."

"How do you know?" I ask, exhaling deeply as I sit down as well.

"Doesn't matter. Why didn't you tell me?"

I tilt my head, meeting his eyes. "Why would I tell you?"

"That's what friends do."

A chuckle leaves my mouth and I turn my head, staring at the mug in my hands.
"You really believe we can be friends?"

"I hoped we could try.." He says softly, his eyes searching mine.

I snap my eyes away from his. "I don't know..." I whisper.

"I just... I miss you." He says, laying his hand on mine.

I pull my hand away. "Is that why I didn't hear from you for weeks?"

"I didn't know if you wanted to.."

"I came to Berlin, for you! Why wouldn't I wanna hear from you?"

He shrugs, exhaling. "I'm sorry. You left your bracelet in my hotel room, I just thought it was you saying goodbye."

"I didn't leave it, I forgot it."

"I didn't know that."

"Why didn't you tell me? Let me know you found it."

"Why didn't you ask me if I found it?" He returns the question.

A little laugh leaves my mouth. "God, this is so us. Both assuming instead of talking."

Bill leans back in his chair. “Yeah. That's kinda our thing, isn't it?"

I nod slowly, my eyes fixed on a scratch in the table's surface.

“I hated leaving you,” he says suddenly, his voice lower now.

I swallow, hard. "I hated you, for leaving. I couldn't move to LA."

“I know.” He pauses. "But I wished you did. Wished you would change your mind. For months, years even... I hoped you would text me. Or magically appear in front of my house."

I look up at him. "I never stopped loving you."

He shuffles closer, leaning into me. "I will always love you."

His hand rests on my cheek, and he pulls me closer.
I let him. I'm not strong enough to let my mind control what my heart wants so badly.

Our lips meet in a soft kiss. For a few seconds, I let it happen. I press my lips on his harder, holding my breath as if I'm under water.

He pulls away first, his hand still resting on my cheek. I open my eyes, seeing him staring back at me.

"You will go back to L.A." I whisper.
"And you will stay here." He whispers back.

I nod and his hand slips from my cheek.
"So we are.."

"Friends." He finishes the sentence.

I nod again. "Friends."

He leans away from me, his lips curled into a small smile.

"When will you go back home? To L.A.?" I ask.
"Not sure yet. Soon."

"You should go. Brenda will be here soon." I say. It's a lie, but I need him gone.

I stand up from my chair, and Bill does the same.
He follows me to the front door, and before I open it, I turn to him.

"See you later?" He asks, looking into my eyes.

I don't answer, instead I grab his face, leaning into him until my lips touch his.

When I pull away from him, I lower my head, looking at his chest instead of his eyes.
"Sorry, I needed one more kiss."

He grabs my chin, and gently tilts my head, making me look at him.
He leans down, kissing me once again.

I open my mouth slightly, and his tongue finds mine. My chest feels heavy, like a brick is resting on top of it.

I kiss him back, but I'm not fully in the moment.

I don't know how long, but the kiss ends.

He says something, I nod, and he is gone. The door opens, then closes. And as if nothing happened, he's gone.

I can't breath. My body feels completely numb. I fall onto my knees, one hand resting on the floor, the other pressed against my chest.

"Evi?!"

I recognize Brenda's voice. I can feel her right next to me, but her voice sounds far away.
She wraps her arms around me, pulling me closer to her.

"Ssshhh, it's okay."
"I love him." I manage to say eventually.

"I know, I know." Her arms around me tighten and I close my eyes.