Sherlock short story

EXT. NOTTING HILL - AFTERNOON

Smart Ditective MR SHERLOCK HOLMES is arguing with Brave Waitress MISS CAROLINE FORBS. SHERLOCK tries to hug CAROLINE but she shakes him off.


SHERLOCK
Please Caroline, don't leave me.



CAROLINE
I'm sorry Sherlock, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.



SHERLOCK
I am such a person!


CAROLINE frowns.


CAROLINE
I'm sorry, Sherlock. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.


CAROLINE leaves.

SHERLOCK sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, pretty assistent MR JOHN WATSON barges in looking flustered.


SHERLOCK
Goodness, John Watson! Is everything okay?



JOHN WATSON
I'm afraid not.



SHERLOCK
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...



JOHN WATSON
It's ... a psychopath ... I saw an evil psychopath eat a bunch of chickens!



SHERLOCK
Defenseless chickens?



JOHN WATSON
Yes, defenseless chickens!



SHERLOCK
Bloomin' heck, John Watson! We've got to do something.



JOHN WATSON
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.



SHERLOCK
You can start by telling me where this happened.



JOHN WATSON
I was...


JOHN WATSON fans himself and begins to wheeze.


SHERLOCK
Focus John Watson, focus! Where did it happen?



JOHN WATSON
Trafalgar Square! That's right - Trafalgar Square!


SHERLOCK springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SHERLOCK rushes along the street, followed by JOHN WATSON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE - SHORTLY AFTER

JIM MORIARTY a gay psychopath terrorises two chickens.

SHERLOCK, closely followed by JOHN WATSON, rushes towards JIM, but suddenly stops in his tracks.


JOHN WATSON
What is is? What's the matter?



SHERLOCK
That's not just any gay psychopath, that's Jim Moriarty!



JOHN WATSON
Who's Jim Moriarty?



SHERLOCK
Who's Jim Moriarty? Who's Jim Moriarty? Only the most gay psychopath in the universe!



JOHN WATSON
Blinkin' knickers, Sherlock! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most gay psychopath in the universe!



SHERLOCK
You can say that again.



JOHN WATSON
Blinkin' knickers, Sherlock! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most gay psychopath in the universe!



SHERLOCK
I'm going to need bombs, lots of bombs.


Jim turns and sees Sherlock and John Watson. He grins an evil grin.


JIM
Sherlock Holmes, we meet again.



JOHN WATSON
You've met?



SHERLOCK
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...



EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SHERLOCK is sitting in a park listening to some pop music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees JIM. He takes off his headphones.


JIM
Would you like some tea?


SHERLOCK's eyes light up, but then he studies JIM more closely, and looks uneasy.


SHERLOCK
I don't know, you look kind of mean.



JIM
Me? No. I'm not mean. I'm the least gay psychopath in the world.



SHERLOCK
Wait, you're a psychopath?


SHERLOCK runs away, screaming.


EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE - PRESENT DAY


JIM
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.



JOHN WATSON
(To SHERLOCK) You ran away?



SHERLOCK
(To JOHN WATSON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?


SHERLOCK turns to JIM.


SHERLOCK
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!


SHERLOCK runs away.

He turns back and shouts.


SHERLOCK
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with bombs.



JIM
I'm not scared of you.



SHERLOCK
You should be.



INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH - LATER THAT DAY

SHERLOCK and JOHN WATSON walk around searching for something.


SHERLOCK
I feel sure I left my bombs somewhere around here.



JOHN WATSON
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly bombs.



SHERLOCK
You know nothing John Watson .



JOHN WATSON
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.


Suddenly, JIM appears, holding a pair of bombs.


JIM
Looking for something?



JOHN WATSON
Crikey, Sherlock, he's got your bombs.



SHERLOCK
Tell me something I don't already know!



JOHN WATSON
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.



SHERLOCK
I know that already!



JOHN WATSON
I always wanted to be a woman.



JIM
(appalled) Dude!


While JIM is looking at JOHN WATSON with disgust, SHERLOCK lunges forward and grabs his deadly bombs. He wields them, triumphantly.


SHERLOCK
Prepare to die, you mean tomato!



JIM
No please! All I did was eat a bunch of chickens!


CAROLINE enters, unseen by any of the others.


SHERLOCK
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those chickens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sherlock Holmes defender of innocent chickens.



JIM
Don't hurt me! Please!



SHERLOCK
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these bombs on you right away!



JIM
Because Sherlock, I am your father.


SHERLOCK looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.


SHERLOCK
No you're not!



JIM
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.


JIM tries to grab the bombs but SHERLOCK dodges out of the way.


SHERLOCK
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?


Unexpectedly, JIM slumps to the ground.


JOHN WATSON
Did he just faint?



SHERLOCK
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly bombs.


SHERLOCK crouches over JIM's body.


JOHN WATSON
Be careful, Sherlock. It could be a trick.



SHERLOCK
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Jim Moriarty is dead!



SHERLOCK
What?



SHERLOCK
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.


JOHN WATSON claps his hands.


JOHN WATSON
So your bombs did save the day, after all.


CAROLINE steps forward.


CAROLINE
Is it true? Did you kill the gay psychopath?



SHERLOCK
Caroline how long have you been...?


CAROLINE puts her arm around SHERLOCK.


CAROLINE
Long enough.



SHERLOCK
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Jim Moriarty.



CAROLINE
Then the chickens are safe?



SHERLOCK
It does seem that way!


A crowd of vulnerable chickens enter, looking relived.


CAROLINE
You are their hero.


The chickens bow to SHERLOCK.


SHERLOCK
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Jim Moriarty will never eat chickens ever again, is enough for me.



CAROLINE
You are humble as well as brave!


One of the chickens passes SHERLOCK a striped hat


CAROLINE
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.



SHERLOCK
I couldn't possibly.


Pause.


SHERLOCK
Well, if you insist.


SHERLOCK takes the hat.


SHERLOCK
Thank you.


The chickens bow their heads once more, and leave.

SHERLOCK turns to CAROLINE.


SHERLOCK
Does this mean you want me back?



CAROLINE
Oh, Sherlock, of course I want you back!


SHERLOCK smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.


SHERLOCK
Well you can't have me.



CAROLINE
WHAT?



SHERLOCK
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a psychopath to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.



CAROLINE
But...



SHERLOCK
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, John Watson.


JOHN WATSON grins.


CAROLINE
But...



JOHN WATSON
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!



CAROLINE
Sherlock?



SHERLOCK
I'm sorry Caroline, but I think you should skidaddle.


CAROLINE leaves.

JOHN WATSON turns to SHERLOCK.


JOHN WATSON
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?



SHERLOCK
Of course you are!


The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JOHN WATSON stops.


JOHN WATSON
When I said I always wanted to be a woman, you know I was just trying to distract the psychopath don't you?



THE END