Regrets

What do you regret? And if you would be able to go back into the past and change it, what would you do differently?

Regret is a very personal thing. It occurs after certain things you may have or have not done and it kind of nestles in your heart. I think you take it with you every day. It’s a thing that’s just always there in the background, and sometimes it creeps into the front. Regret isn’t something easy. You can regret a simple thing, but you can also have regret that lead to one big regret. As for me, there are these regrets about just one thing that keep haunting me. My regrets may seem like a big mess to you at first, but I promise you it will make sense at the end.

I regret little things. I regret not telling her enough how much I love her. I regret not telling her how much I appreciated her. I regret not seeing her much after school. I regret every time I fought with her and every time I was mad at her. I regret every chance that I didn’t took to hug her. To hold her close, smell her perfume and feel her soft hair tickling my face. I regret every time I didn’t tell her to be careful and to take care of herself, even though she would have called me over-protective each time. I regret not getting to know her better. Not getting to know her family earlier. I regret all the endless sleepovers and dates we didn’t get to have with the six of us. I regret her texting us on her last birthday: “I’m never going to forget this day, thanks for this special and amazing birthday girlieees!” I regret that day. I regret encouraging her to take a walk with him. I regret not letting her stay longer. I regret talking about her future that afternoon, as if I had been giving her false hope. I regret laughing at her because she couldn’t choose how many mini-pizzas she wanted for the Christmas brunch the day after. I regret not hugging her a little longer when we were saying goodbye. I regret not staring at her a little longer. I regret not realizing how special she was. I regret not realizing what I had while she drove away, out of the street and also out of my life.

So, what would I do differently if I could go back? I would do all these things I just said I regret. I would have hugged her tighter and longer. I would have looked her straight into her eyes and tried to realize how special she was, not only to me, but also to other people.

But you know what I regret most? Even if I would have done all of these things, it still wouldn’t ever be enough. And that’s my biggest regret of all.